My very first Mother's Day was May 9, 2010, a month to the day after Anna belle was born (04/09/10) this Mother's Day will be two months to the day that my sweet sleeping Serenity was born (03/11/14).
I've been battling some heavy guilt here lately. Maybe my working so much and so hard to provide for her is what lead to her untimely departure. Maybe it was my legitimate fear of two children, two girls at that... All these what's ifs, maybes, whys, should of, would of, could of's just dragging me down.
I burden my grief with Anna belle and Matthew's as well.. Both robbed of their first sister and first child, respectfully. Why them? Why me? Why her?
We were scared of life with her but never to the point of living without her. We had worked so hard to prepare ourselves for her arrival only to be empty handed. :(
So this Mother's Day, I should be glowing and beaming showing off my beautiful two month old girl, like I was four years ago with her sister, instead I'll be working and trying to hide my guilt, and pain.
I want people to reach out but the second they do I shun them back and I'm left alone with this guilt, I even feel like I do it to Anna belle and Matthew with my working all the time. Focusing all my energy on being productive somewhere...
The hardest thing aside from Mother's Day and the guilt I'm dealing with is,
Because she never took a breath of life outside of my body, we don't get a birth certificate, resulting in no death certificate either :( no paper record of my darling angel. :( like she never existed at all. I found out I could file for a certificate of *shivers* stillbirth to have that paper record :( I feel so cheated and robbed of everything.... The little things we as parents take for granted such a piece of paper... I long for.
I also see these mothers complaining about needed "me time" from yeti babies that won't stop crying or because they have them 24/7 with no help. How I long for this as well, and it angers me. What Id give to be in their shoes and position :/ I feel like I did everything right as a mom, I never smoked, never drank, didn't take any pills, no antibiotics, I went to every appointment, to the hospital when something felt wrong.... So how did I miss her last kicks as an SOS?! :( I'm her mommy, the only one who knew her that intimately, and I failed her :( a new baby has crossed my mind, surely it would fill my arms, and a void I'm missing. But it would never be my Serenity, it wouldn't ever answer why she couldn't live and it does, my mind will ways wonder.. And my heart will always ache... It's so hard to fight these battles and yearn to reach out but can't :(
