And It was positive.

I wanted my tubes tied after serenity so bad. After she passed, they couldn't tie them. I suddenly became so paranoid about getting pregnant again. I just couldn't bear the idea of having another child. 

What if it's another girl? 

Or what if it's a boy like we originally hoped for? 

Or worse

What if it happens again. 

Surely God isn't that way? 

Matthew and I took precautions and still every month since we lost serenity I would buy a test before my expected cycle and test. Often two or three times just to be certain. 

Relieved to see it come up negative.

I never in my years of "womanhood" had gotten so excited for my monthlys. 

But I was literally so petrified of being  pregnant again that I didn't even realize how obsessed I had become. 

It wasn't until I saw how effected anna belle still was. 

It wasn't until I saw the pain in matthews eyes. 

I had to let go of this fear and self guilt for losing serenity. 

And no sooner than I let go. 

It was positive........

No two lines to guess, no pink plus to figure out....

The words were there staring me in the face "pregnant". 

I hadn't even suspected until I realized I was late. 

I cannot lie and say mentally and emotionally I've been in the best position. 

It's hard. 

Wanting a baby. Your baby. For so long

Suddenly there is a baby. But it's not YOUR baby. It's a new baby. 

A new life, a new set of hopes and dreams, a new future, new memories, new what ifs and fears.... All over again. 

I still struggle every moment of every day with serenitys abcense. How can I put myself in this position again? 

My only foundation is there is a plan and a purpose. 

Serenity has given me all the signs she's okay. I've found a new strength and purpose in life. 

I didn't think i could have room in my heart for anna belle and serenity. 

Yet I manage to love them with all of me. Even with a huge missing piece.

I only hope this baby feels the love all around. I pray every night that this is real. That we get to keep this one. 

It doesn't diminish any part of serenitys existence. I still wonder every second. 

I am mostly afraid. How can I get attached? How can I not? 

I always wonder if serenity is proud of Matthew and I as parents. And I got my answer. 

A big freaking positive. 

She wants us to have a second chance. 

I only hope I am strong enough for this new one. 

I hope I am strong enough for all my babies. 

I cannot believe I ever thought I didn't want to be a mother. When it's my sole purpose now. 

I love you anna belle grace, serenity Layla hope, and baby bean. - mommie. 

💜💜💜💜💜💜