A not so holly jolly Christmas.

The holidays have snuck up on my faster than your 8 monthaversary tomorrow. 

We put up the Christmas decorations last week in an effort to raise our broken spirits. 

I feel your memory slipping from the world despite my every attempt to keep it alive and thriving. 

But how can people remember you, if they never met you? 

I see all these stories going global but why hasn't yours? 

In all honesty, 

I wouldn't care if anyone else ever spoke your name because to me you're still alive and well. As long as my heartbeats, yours will too. 

It's so hard for me to be happy these days. 

Thinking of thanksgiving. 

Literally tears me apart from the inside out. 

I should be thankful to sit surrounded by loved ones with more food than we need. 

But I can only focus on that one empty seat. 

How it should be filled with you sitting there eating turkey, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, while grammie sneaks you sips of sweet tea. 

Instead I'll be sitting there deafened by my own demons of your passing. 

I never understood what it truly meant to feel alone in a crowded room until you passed. 

Now I constantly feel alone. 

Yearning for you to be in my arms. 

Day dreaming of what the moment would be like with you there. 

I imagine you around the tree tearing open presents of stuff you don't care about just excited from all the comotion. 

And it overwhelms me. 

I can't take a lifetime of this agony. 

I just need you here with me. 

Mommie misses you so very much my sweet serenity layla hope 💜