I wear this pain like a heavy coat...

Reality hits me like a ton of bricks over and over daily. 

I get sad, and I feel guilty because i know deep down serenity would want her Mommie happy. 

I get happy, and feel guilty for being happy. As if there is a sense of happiness to be found amidst this endless deluge of grief. 

So many pregnancies on my facebook.

Not that I'm not happy for them. 

But I am so jealous. 

Why do they get their child, more than one? 

And I don't get to keep my daughter. 

More less why didn't I get any answers? 

Why isn't she here? She was perfect from head to toe, inside and out, fully baked. 

So where is she? Why isn't she in my empty, longing arms? 

It's so hard to face the reality that I have given birth to death, and buried a child.

Witnessing all the things I am missing out on. Visiting a grave instead of a cradle. 

I'm trying so hard to bring light to her life, that is so quickly shoved to the shadows. In 165 short days, she'll be one. She's almost been gone more days than she was here. And I'm not ready to let go. 

I just want to wake up from this endless nightmare. 

I'm having a very rough night and been in a really rough patch in my journey lately. 

I pray you'll guide us through my sassy diva! 

Until then, here's me and my girls at my mama steph's wedding. 💜💜 

Death before life..

I read something on the Internet once about the birthdate and the death date, about how people always signifiy those two dates with such meaning when it's the dash in between that is their whole lifespan. 

Serenity doesn't have a dash. 

And if she did hers would read (birthday to death date): march 11,2014 - march 8, 2014. 

She was gone for 3 days before my world was shattered. 

In your mind I know you're already thinking "how could she not know"? 

Serenity's feet were stuck in my ribcage, if you've seen the photo of her feet you'll notice they crook up, so her body moved every single time my body did. She was so big for my little frame I had figured she didn't have any room left and her feet were in fact stuck in my ribs. 

So back to my original point. Serenity's dash. She didn't get a life. Not one that a dash could represent. And it's such a hard reality to face. 

So days I am having to painfully remind myself she did in fact exist. She was here. She was real. And she died. Unfairly. For no medical reason at all. 

Other days I still feel miserably pregnant with her. I can feel those long skinny feet thrust into my ribs. I can feel those level jabs or the hip headbutts. 

I have successfully launched Serenity's footsteps in her honor. Our first round of shirts, a whopping 72, are now around the world fulfilling a bucket list of things she never will get to accomplish in this world. And I am so beyond humbled, blessed, and grateful for everyone who is aiding in her journey! 

We filed for the official 5k city permits, and a nonprofit organization tax id! 

But still, that's not Serenity's living legacy. 

Because Serenity didn't get to live her life. 

I think I'll forever wonder the whys and the what ifs. I don't think in my lifetime I'll ever get a reasoning in this grand master plan. Nor do I think time will heal all. 

And I can say time has made things easier to deal with. But I wonder if that's my mind and heart protecting itself from completely losing it. Because times like this, when I'm so overwhelmed and I feel lead to share my ramblings, nothing feels easier at all. Like it just happened yesterday. 

She's nearing her 6 month angelversary. And boy is it hitting me HARD. I just miss her so much. I miss what I'm not experiencing as a mother with her. I hate all this unknown. The should have, would have, could haves. 

 

I'm trying so hard to let go of my grief, little by little. Because it's a vicious monster. An ever changing parasite. And if I don't watch out it completely consumes me. 

I only hope I am making Serenity proud. Making her dash all she hopes it would be. How do you continue someone's life they never lived? 

I hope each painful, and heart wrenching post, memory, trial, tribulation, brings me one step closer to breaking the silence that is stillbirth. I hope that were one step closer to reducing the amount of stillbirths. Offering explanations. Ways to help. I just have to focus all this grief into something positive. 

And in case you haven't seen it: here's her cutesy little feet! 

I sure miss those kickers! 

Mommie loves you with everything I have left my Serenity Layla hope 💜