Death before life..

I read something on the Internet once about the birthdate and the death date, about how people always signifiy those two dates with such meaning when it's the dash in between that is their whole lifespan. 

Serenity doesn't have a dash. 

And if she did hers would read (birthday to death date): march 11,2014 - march 8, 2014. 

She was gone for 3 days before my world was shattered. 

In your mind I know you're already thinking "how could she not know"? 

Serenity's feet were stuck in my ribcage, if you've seen the photo of her feet you'll notice they crook up, so her body moved every single time my body did. She was so big for my little frame I had figured she didn't have any room left and her feet were in fact stuck in my ribs. 

So back to my original point. Serenity's dash. She didn't get a life. Not one that a dash could represent. And it's such a hard reality to face. 

So days I am having to painfully remind myself she did in fact exist. She was here. She was real. And she died. Unfairly. For no medical reason at all. 

Other days I still feel miserably pregnant with her. I can feel those long skinny feet thrust into my ribs. I can feel those level jabs or the hip headbutts. 

I have successfully launched Serenity's footsteps in her honor. Our first round of shirts, a whopping 72, are now around the world fulfilling a bucket list of things she never will get to accomplish in this world. And I am so beyond humbled, blessed, and grateful for everyone who is aiding in her journey! 

We filed for the official 5k city permits, and a nonprofit organization tax id! 

But still, that's not Serenity's living legacy. 

Because Serenity didn't get to live her life. 

I think I'll forever wonder the whys and the what ifs. I don't think in my lifetime I'll ever get a reasoning in this grand master plan. Nor do I think time will heal all. 

And I can say time has made things easier to deal with. But I wonder if that's my mind and heart protecting itself from completely losing it. Because times like this, when I'm so overwhelmed and I feel lead to share my ramblings, nothing feels easier at all. Like it just happened yesterday. 

She's nearing her 6 month angelversary. And boy is it hitting me HARD. I just miss her so much. I miss what I'm not experiencing as a mother with her. I hate all this unknown. The should have, would have, could haves. 

 

I'm trying so hard to let go of my grief, little by little. Because it's a vicious monster. An ever changing parasite. And if I don't watch out it completely consumes me. 

I only hope I am making Serenity proud. Making her dash all she hopes it would be. How do you continue someone's life they never lived? 

I hope each painful, and heart wrenching post, memory, trial, tribulation, brings me one step closer to breaking the silence that is stillbirth. I hope that were one step closer to reducing the amount of stillbirths. Offering explanations. Ways to help. I just have to focus all this grief into something positive. 

And in case you haven't seen it: here's her cutesy little feet! 

I sure miss those kickers! 

Mommie loves you with everything I have left my Serenity Layla hope 💜