I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.

In my deluded world I just assume everyone keeps up with my life updates. 

But they don't. So here's where I'll spill it all. 

We got a dog, letti. 

And she's the cutest furball in the history of all furballs. 

Well it really bothers me that she doesn't even recognize my belly. 

When I am around other animals, they all sniff it, lay their head on it, just all around notice that a human being is growing in there. Except for letti. 

Last night she stepped on me really hard. 

And in this crazy after child loss world. Every little thing sets off 3 am panic attacks and blowing your mom's phone up. (I wish I were exaggerating) 

I normally feel Selena moving every time I lay down. Whether it be hiccups,kicks or actual movements. 

After letti stepped on me I didn't. 

Which when I realized this. Lead to a horrible panic attack, a lb of cocoa butter, the fetal heartbeat Doppler, and blowing up my mother. 

I found her heartbeat, quickly. And not soon she was back to kicking away. 

I hate this life I am forced to live. 

I was given the blessing of pregnancy again. 

Yet it feels more like a curse. 

Is she moving too much? Will she get tangled? Is she growing right? Will she develop aniema? Will she actually come home? Will she wear all her clothes? 

The open plot behind serenity haunts me every time. Will Selena lay among serenity or Anna belle? 

It's an exhausting world. 

And I wish it was as easy as "trusting gods plan" or citing some positive mantra. 

But it's not. 

I have to forcefully tell myself all will be okay. And bring my worrisome mind back to reality, regardless of the starkness. 

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I am so ready for Selena to be born and here safely in my arms.