Father's Day..

I haven't updated as much as I had originally intended. Mother's Day was quite possibly the worst day it could have been, scheduled to not only work, but open, and work the lunch rush. Then to come home to nothing. No happy mothers days. No flowers. No cards. No mention of Serenity. Nothing. I felt even more empty. Surely everyone remembered I am still a mother to Anna belle and not just an angel mom, I did get tagged in a myriad of Facebook posts. I some how managed to get through. 

And here I am now. Faced with Matthew's first Father's Day as a dad. Except he doesn't identify himself as a dad. He was a dad, but he isn't now. And how my heart breaks for him. He's such a good person, even if he doesn't see it or feel it. I do, Anna belle does, and Serenity knows it. 

I have sat and watched everything in his life fall apart in the last year, every last thing... And I wish so badly I could take ok that burden for him, ease his pain, sorrow, desolateness... 

We have gotten officially engaged and started the agony of wedding planning. Although I feel the white elephant in the room with the wedding, will that too be ruined or jeopardized? Everything else has been, including our daughters life. I've said it time and time again. Pregnancy equals a baby, not an angel. So why is our baby an angel? 

Why didn't Matthew get to be the father he so richly deserves to be? 

I would crawl to the firey pits of hell to bring Serenity back for him and Anna belle. Even if that meant I still never get to meet her, the world will. 

Everyone associates my grief as a journey, but it's not. There's no ups and downs, it's more like I'm an empty vessel stuck in a whirlwind of emotions, anger, sorrow, guilt, agony, you name it. 

I found myself today wondering why it had to be her me not someone else's baby. Until I met other babies who passed on like she did and it's unfair. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Why does a baby have to die? What is the purpose or lesson in that? A life never lived or short lived. Certainly we learn the gradtitude and gratefulness for long lives, but what else? :( 

Oh what I'd give to be under slept, pooped on, stressed to the max, emotional new mommie to Serenity. Instead of this anxious, lunatic, sleep deprived being I am now :( 

Just pray for us on his upcoming day and that I am granted the Serenity to help him through it as well. 

Mother's Day...

My very first Mother's Day was May 9, 2010, a month to the day after Anna belle was born (04/09/10) this Mother's Day will be two months to the day that my sweet sleeping Serenity was born (03/11/14). 

I've been battling some heavy guilt here lately. Maybe my working so much and so hard to provide for her is what lead to her untimely departure. Maybe it was my legitimate fear of two children, two girls at that... All these what's ifs, maybes, whys, should of, would of, could of's just dragging me down. 

I burden my grief with Anna belle and Matthew's as well.. Both robbed of their first sister and first child, respectfully. Why them? Why me? Why her? 

We were scared of life with her but never to the point of living without her. We had worked so hard to prepare ourselves for her arrival only to be empty handed. :( 

So this Mother's Day, I should be glowing and beaming showing off my beautiful two month old girl, like I was four years ago with her sister, instead I'll be working and trying to hide my guilt, and pain. 

I want people to reach out but the second they do I shun them back and I'm left alone with this guilt, I even feel like I do it to Anna belle and Matthew with my working all the time. Focusing all my energy on being productive somewhere... 

The hardest thing aside from Mother's Day and the guilt I'm dealing with is, 

Because she never took a breath of life outside of my body, we don't get a birth certificate, resulting in no death certificate either :( no paper record of my darling angel. :( like she never existed at all. I found out I could file for a certificate of *shivers* stillbirth to have that paper record :( I feel so cheated and robbed of everything.... The little things we as parents take for granted such a piece of paper... I long for. 

I also see these mothers complaining about needed "me time" from yeti babies that won't stop crying or because they have them 24/7 with no help. How I long for this as well, and it angers me. What Id give to be in their shoes and position :/ I feel like I did everything right as a mom, I never smoked, never drank, didn't take any pills, no antibiotics, I went to every appointment, to the hospital when something felt wrong.... So how did I miss her last kicks as an SOS?! :( I'm her mommy, the only one who knew her that intimately, and I failed her :( a new baby has crossed my mind, surely it would fill my arms, and a void I'm missing. But it would never be my Serenity, it wouldn't ever answer why she couldn't live and it does, my mind will ways wonder.. And my heart will always ache... It's so hard to fight these battles and yearn to reach out but can't :(  

New to this..

Well I decided to start a blog for this new journey I'm on.  So I'll just start from the beginning:
It was April 20,2013 and I had been hanging out with the girls drinking and running around before a lame date I felt guilted into. However as I was leaving one of the girls' house this extra good looking guy I had sort of text from Facebook walked by and I was completely taken over by nerves. Well after that day we started texting and talking nonstop, add the growing feelings and about 3 weeks later he and I started dating. This is where our relationship hit fast forward, he moved in and we started our lives together insanely quick. Well in July we found out we were going to be parents just two months into this new relationship, in September we learned we'd be the proud parents of a baby girl. Around the end of February, early march we set the indication date for our sweet baby girl at this point named, Serenity Layla Hope, for March 17 at 7:30 am. The weekend of March 8, I started to get overwhelmed with pain, and inconsistent contractions. I held off as long as I could avoiding being sent home from the hospital to wait longer or for our doctors appointment. However, March 11 at around 11ish in the morning my contractions had became too much for me to bear and we started packing bags and preparing for the hospital. We arrived at around 1pm and I had this strange feeling because I hadn't really felt Serenity move a lot in the last few hours but chalked it up to she was on her way. After what felt like a lifetime we were finally admitted in our room in labor and delivery, and the nurse started to hook up the machines, only, the couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. One nurse after another until there were 3 or 4 were in the room and finally they ordered the ultrasound machine where it showed Serenity's heart no longer beating. I was already a hysterical mess at this point. Somewhere in between the doctor, nurses, family , friends, and a myriad of people started showing up and talking and it's all still a blur... Next thing I know is I'm signing papers, getting drugs, and wheeled off for my c-section. I was in a twilight, I remember bargaining with god if she would just somehow be okay when they got her out, I remember Matthew dressed in his daddy' gown gear, and I remember the tug and pull on my belly, and mostly I remember this sweet, chubby cheeked face (6lbs, 3oz; 18.5 in) placed in front of mine and none of my bargaining had worked, she wasn't crying. A few hours later after the drugs wore off I awoke hoping to be from the nightmare I was suddenly in and there she was, not crying, or moving. I remember holding her, inspecting her, loving on her and crying and bargaining more with god for her to just wake up in my arms. The doctor and people came in and informed me her cord got wrapped too tight around her neck and there was nothing that could have been done. Everything is mostly a blur. I remember questions, answers, friends, family, pictures, and all the while I'm just praying to God for him to wake her up, or for me to wake up from the nightmare. I thinking I could update the masses shared on Facebook and got an outpouring of love, support, and ignorance. I didn't know how to handle any of it. There's some stuff that was said that still angers me, still cuts like a knife, and other stuff I frankly don't remember. People were in and out all night, family, friends, nurses, doctors.. It seemed to fly by and drag on all in one mass confusion. And then they came to take her for the night. It was so hard to sleep my first night without her. The next day it was just Matthew, our moms and I with Serenity for a few hours and then we both got released from the hospital, only we went home empty handed :( we met with the funeral people, finalized everything and instead of a coming home party, we had successfully planned our first funeral.  The funeral was a beautiful service, much of it still a big blur of faces, songs, and the agony of knowing it would be the last time I saw, held, or kissed my sweet Serenity.

I know I typed a lot tonight, and I'll update more on what happened in the first week home, after, at work, and plans for now., so bear with me.