Father's Day..

I haven't updated as much as I had originally intended. Mother's Day was quite possibly the worst day it could have been, scheduled to not only work, but open, and work the lunch rush. Then to come home to nothing. No happy mothers days. No flowers. No cards. No mention of Serenity. Nothing. I felt even more empty. Surely everyone remembered I am still a mother to Anna belle and not just an angel mom, I did get tagged in a myriad of Facebook posts. I some how managed to get through. 

And here I am now. Faced with Matthew's first Father's Day as a dad. Except he doesn't identify himself as a dad. He was a dad, but he isn't now. And how my heart breaks for him. He's such a good person, even if he doesn't see it or feel it. I do, Anna belle does, and Serenity knows it. 

I have sat and watched everything in his life fall apart in the last year, every last thing... And I wish so badly I could take ok that burden for him, ease his pain, sorrow, desolateness... 

We have gotten officially engaged and started the agony of wedding planning. Although I feel the white elephant in the room with the wedding, will that too be ruined or jeopardized? Everything else has been, including our daughters life. I've said it time and time again. Pregnancy equals a baby, not an angel. So why is our baby an angel? 

Why didn't Matthew get to be the father he so richly deserves to be? 

I would crawl to the firey pits of hell to bring Serenity back for him and Anna belle. Even if that meant I still never get to meet her, the world will. 

Everyone associates my grief as a journey, but it's not. There's no ups and downs, it's more like I'm an empty vessel stuck in a whirlwind of emotions, anger, sorrow, guilt, agony, you name it. 

I found myself today wondering why it had to be her me not someone else's baby. Until I met other babies who passed on like she did and it's unfair. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Why does a baby have to die? What is the purpose or lesson in that? A life never lived or short lived. Certainly we learn the gradtitude and gratefulness for long lives, but what else? :( 

Oh what I'd give to be under slept, pooped on, stressed to the max, emotional new mommie to Serenity. Instead of this anxious, lunatic, sleep deprived being I am now :( 

Just pray for us on his upcoming day and that I am granted the Serenity to help him through it as well.