And It was positive.

I wanted my tubes tied after serenity so bad. After she passed, they couldn't tie them. I suddenly became so paranoid about getting pregnant again. I just couldn't bear the idea of having another child. 

What if it's another girl? 

Or what if it's a boy like we originally hoped for? 

Or worse

What if it happens again. 

Surely God isn't that way? 

Matthew and I took precautions and still every month since we lost serenity I would buy a test before my expected cycle and test. Often two or three times just to be certain. 

Relieved to see it come up negative.

I never in my years of "womanhood" had gotten so excited for my monthlys. 

But I was literally so petrified of being  pregnant again that I didn't even realize how obsessed I had become. 

It wasn't until I saw how effected anna belle still was. 

It wasn't until I saw the pain in matthews eyes. 

I had to let go of this fear and self guilt for losing serenity. 

And no sooner than I let go. 

It was positive........

No two lines to guess, no pink plus to figure out....

The words were there staring me in the face "pregnant". 

I hadn't even suspected until I realized I was late. 

I cannot lie and say mentally and emotionally I've been in the best position. 

It's hard. 

Wanting a baby. Your baby. For so long

Suddenly there is a baby. But it's not YOUR baby. It's a new baby. 

A new life, a new set of hopes and dreams, a new future, new memories, new what ifs and fears.... All over again. 

I still struggle every moment of every day with serenitys abcense. How can I put myself in this position again? 

My only foundation is there is a plan and a purpose. 

Serenity has given me all the signs she's okay. I've found a new strength and purpose in life. 

I didn't think i could have room in my heart for anna belle and serenity. 

Yet I manage to love them with all of me. Even with a huge missing piece.

I only hope this baby feels the love all around. I pray every night that this is real. That we get to keep this one. 

It doesn't diminish any part of serenitys existence. I still wonder every second. 

I am mostly afraid. How can I get attached? How can I not? 

I always wonder if serenity is proud of Matthew and I as parents. And I got my answer. 

A big freaking positive. 

She wants us to have a second chance. 

I only hope I am strong enough for this new one. 

I hope I am strong enough for all my babies. 

I cannot believe I ever thought I didn't want to be a mother. When it's my sole purpose now. 

I love you anna belle grace, serenity Layla hope, and baby bean. - mommie. 

💜💜💜💜💜💜 

Please come home for Christmas....

Christmas. 

It's supposed to be such a joyous time. 

Surrounded by family and friends. 

Exchanging of heartfelt gifts for each other. 

Food made with time and love to nourish all. 

And for whatever religion you practice, just an all around reflective time on the last year, those you love, the hard times you endure, and the happy times you celebrated. 

But for the family with the empty chair? 

It's a deafening emptiness. The kind that even in the fullest of rooms, booms. 

I think of your first Christmas in existence. 

It was a joyous one. 

Anna belle got lots of goodies from Santa! 

He even got you a cute headband and matching shoes!! 

Your cousin Lydia was finally cleared from the hospital and was ready for family lovings. 

Everything was seemingly perfect. 

If only I had known, in 76 days all that perfectness would be ripped away. 

You would be buried in your headband from Santa. You would never get to wear those cute matching shoes. You would never get to tear open wrapping paper. Be more interested in the boxes than your gifts. 

Your abscense is almost like a shadowy entity. I see it. I feel it. I am always aware of it. Yet there's nothing I can do to make it go away, To cover it up, Anything.

Yet in the same sense I think of all you do get to experience on this holiday! 

In my mind, it's a feast! Surrounded by only the best. With all your tiny hearts desires. 

While it's hell here on earth, I know you're growing up with the best beyond my wildest dreams! 

But even that tiny bit of comfort doesn't ease the pain of missing you sweet angel. 

Why is my reflection someone, I don't know.

Before : 

This is me before. I've always thought of myself as pretty, nothing spectacular. Just a fortunate face with a hard earned body. Add in the tan and long hair and wahla. That was me. I never really struggled with my body image. Because I always considered the source of the negativity. That was all before. 

Now : 

I still have that simply pretty face, and a remarkably nice body given I've now had two children. But I can't see it that way. 

I look in the mirror and see this skeleton of a person staring back. I see the bags from lack of sleep. I see the stress lines. I see this body that failed me. A walking crime scene. It's so hard to be happy or find joy when I carry the murder weapon and scene of the crime with me every nanosecond of every day. 

How can I be happy if I truly hate the body I have to live in??

My depression has been worse for the holidays lately. I pray my sweet family makes it through this huge slump. 

We sure are feeling the depths of the hole you left when you slipped away. 

Forever missing you my sweet diva. 

A not so holly jolly Christmas.

The holidays have snuck up on my faster than your 8 monthaversary tomorrow. 

We put up the Christmas decorations last week in an effort to raise our broken spirits. 

I feel your memory slipping from the world despite my every attempt to keep it alive and thriving. 

But how can people remember you, if they never met you? 

I see all these stories going global but why hasn't yours? 

In all honesty, 

I wouldn't care if anyone else ever spoke your name because to me you're still alive and well. As long as my heartbeats, yours will too. 

It's so hard for me to be happy these days. 

Thinking of thanksgiving. 

Literally tears me apart from the inside out. 

I should be thankful to sit surrounded by loved ones with more food than we need. 

But I can only focus on that one empty seat. 

How it should be filled with you sitting there eating turkey, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, while grammie sneaks you sips of sweet tea. 

Instead I'll be sitting there deafened by my own demons of your passing. 

I never understood what it truly meant to feel alone in a crowded room until you passed. 

Now I constantly feel alone. 

Yearning for you to be in my arms. 

Day dreaming of what the moment would be like with you there. 

I imagine you around the tree tearing open presents of stuff you don't care about just excited from all the comotion. 

And it overwhelms me. 

I can't take a lifetime of this agony. 

I just need you here with me. 

Mommie misses you so very much my sweet serenity layla hope 💜 

"What's in a name? that which we call a rose/ By any other name would smell as sweet".

If you have children, then you are aware of how difficult it is to name them. 

Matthew and I went threw thousands of baby names, books after books, website after website, app after app, literally lists upon lists upon lists.... Nothing stuck. 

So I just tossed in the towel and agreed he could chose her first name and I would the middle names. 

On a random Sunday night, one year ago I get this simple text. 

Let's name her serenity. 

SERENITY?! 

I have to admit I didn't like it at all. 

But he was stuck on it. 

So I repeated her entire name to myself over and over for a few days. 

Serenity Layla hope, 

Serenity Layla hope,

Serenity Layla hope,

I wasn't keen on it. But it was flowy and different. 

The more I said it and told people the more I loved it. 

I googled what her entire name meant,

Serenity means calm

Layla means night 

Hope means a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

For three plus years it had been just me

And anna belle against the world. I had no idea how I was going to handle mom life of two divas. Being completely in control of two lives when I still barely had a grip on mine. It was overwhelming to say the least. But she was my little hope. Just as her sister anna belle had been my saving grace. 

In serenity's passing someone forwarded me the serenity prayer. Everyone knows it. But very few know there's more to it. 

God, grant me the Serenity

To accept the things I cannot change...

Courage to change the things I can,

And Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His will.

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.

Serenity's name suddenly took on a new meaning and life for me. Being far from the religious. And most days teetering on the edge of if there even was a god. I am learning to fully trust this plan for my life and this journey I've been thrust into. In reading the entire serenity prayer it was clear to me that she was sent to me to open my eyes, to open the world's eyes. I always said one of my goals was to change the world. And via serenity's short life I now have the power to change a large portion of it. I still miss her beyond words and still have this overwhelming ache in my chest but the pain and weight of the grief has lessened. 

Thank you to all who follow, and will follow me and my sweet family through this journey. 

October 8th.....

Tomorrow marks a very difficult four year angelversary of one very loved and missed angel. 

Jamie Lynn Norman. 

To catch my readers up, Jamie battled cystic fibrosis for 25 years. She beat so many odds and obstacles. She was the most fun, loving, and free spirited person I ever met. 

90% of the time I knew Jamie I could never actually tell she was ill and suffering. 

Her family learned shortly after her birth of her condition, which has no cure. 

Cystic fibrosis is a terrible battle to watch. 

All the while knowing at any point you could watch your loved one slip away, while holding on the the hope that they've made it this far. 

Jamie was very sick when I had anna belle. She did get to meet her once. And it is still one of my most treasured memories. I know without a shadow of doubt the day my precious serenity entered into heaven Jamie was the very first one there to greet her. I can only imagine how wonderful it is there, especially with those two. 

I learned so much about life through watching Jamie live hers and I learned an even greater deal in her death. 

Even now, I have this great appreciation for things I learned because of simply knowing her. 

So I ask all of my blog readers and followers. Please pray and send good vibes to her daughter, family, friends, and all those she touched with her precious life. 💜 

Here is Jamie with little 3 week old anna belle. :) 

I wear this pain like a heavy coat...

Reality hits me like a ton of bricks over and over daily. 

I get sad, and I feel guilty because i know deep down serenity would want her Mommie happy. 

I get happy, and feel guilty for being happy. As if there is a sense of happiness to be found amidst this endless deluge of grief. 

So many pregnancies on my facebook.

Not that I'm not happy for them. 

But I am so jealous. 

Why do they get their child, more than one? 

And I don't get to keep my daughter. 

More less why didn't I get any answers? 

Why isn't she here? She was perfect from head to toe, inside and out, fully baked. 

So where is she? Why isn't she in my empty, longing arms? 

It's so hard to face the reality that I have given birth to death, and buried a child.

Witnessing all the things I am missing out on. Visiting a grave instead of a cradle. 

I'm trying so hard to bring light to her life, that is so quickly shoved to the shadows. In 165 short days, she'll be one. She's almost been gone more days than she was here. And I'm not ready to let go. 

I just want to wake up from this endless nightmare. 

I'm having a very rough night and been in a really rough patch in my journey lately. 

I pray you'll guide us through my sassy diva! 

Until then, here's me and my girls at my mama steph's wedding. 💜💜