The end of Rainbow Road

Well our sweet little rainbow baby is finally here. 

8/25 our precious Selena Marcie Faith made her much anticipated arrival. 

Our journey down rainbow road was a difficult one. We were given so many odds and obstacles. Our princess beat and exceeded every one of them. 

Near the very end, things started to go south quick. I could feel it in my body that something wasn't right, playing every scenerio through my mind. Yet the doctors were fine with carrying forward, despite everything we had already overcome. 

I started having consistent contractions on Sunday 8/23. But I knew if I went in they would surely find a way to stop it and send me back home to wait. So wait I did. All Sunday they were about 30mintues to an hour apart. 

Monday I had my final bpp, the ultrasound was picking up contractions, Selena was so far head down they couldn't see my cervix to determine if labor was active, and they were estimating her weight at 4lbs 13oz. 

So wait some more I did. 

At this point contractions were about 20-30 minutes apart. 

Tuesday morning, after a very restless night, my contractions now every 5-7 minutes apart. I started packing bags. Today was the day!! I finally convinced Matthew I was serious this time we loaded the car up and ventured off. 

At 11:15 am, I get hooked up in l&d, and my doctor waltzes in and exclaims labor was finally active. We were having a baby that day! My surgery was set for 3pm! 

So anxiously Matthew and I decided to keep it a secret, telling only our family and closest of friends. 

Around 2:45pm I am wheeled away to the operating room to get prepped for surgery. I was so scared. Not being able to hear her heartbeat constantly on the monitor, sitting on this tiny bed that resembled a crucifixion cross, and a table to the left of instruments that bared resemblance to something out of a saw movie. 

There I was strapped to this bed, getting prepped by strangers, there was the anesthesiologist behind me, a male

Nurse to my left, and female nurse to my right. When suddenly, they learned there was no blood in the hospital for me. As I have rh disease and have to have a specific type or my body would reject it. My anesthesiologist was furious. This prompted him to pull up my charts only to see all my vitals were critically low. He was even more mad. My surgery was then postponed until things were stabilized. I had so many iv bags hooked up, and shots I lost count. 

I tried shooting the breeze to calm the tension in the room, because my racing mind I was sure I was about to meet my maker and Matthew would be left to raise the children. 

The anesthesiologist asked if he could play some music, low and behold the first song on the station was the REO speed wagon song Matthew and I danced to at our wedding just 45 days prior. I knew then God and my sweet serenity had this all under control. Finally 3 hours later, after being strapped to this tiny table, prepped for surgery, with strangers, my surgery was ready to start. 

My eyes never left Matthews face, his hand never left mine. I could feel some tugging and pulling and suddenly, the sound I've never heard before. Baby cries. I lost it. My baby was finally here. Alive. A real baby. My baby. 

The doctor ordered the nurse to place her next to me. Umbilical cord still attached, covered in goop, there she was. An identical twin of her sister serenity, and daddy, was my sweet Selena. She stopped crying, and turned her face to mine and kissed my cheek. Ooo's and ahh's and happy tears burst into the room. 

And I owe it all to a careful anesthesiologist, for catching all my worst nightmares and saving my life. To the best doctor ever, for delivering and keeping a close eye on my baby's progression. And to my husband for enduring many sleepless, nagging nights. 

To my sweet angel, for her hedge of protection around her sister. 

I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.

In my deluded world I just assume everyone keeps up with my life updates. 

But they don't. So here's where I'll spill it all. 

We got a dog, letti. 

And she's the cutest furball in the history of all furballs. 

Well it really bothers me that she doesn't even recognize my belly. 

When I am around other animals, they all sniff it, lay their head on it, just all around notice that a human being is growing in there. Except for letti. 

Last night she stepped on me really hard. 

And in this crazy after child loss world. Every little thing sets off 3 am panic attacks and blowing your mom's phone up. (I wish I were exaggerating) 

I normally feel Selena moving every time I lay down. Whether it be hiccups,kicks or actual movements. 

After letti stepped on me I didn't. 

Which when I realized this. Lead to a horrible panic attack, a lb of cocoa butter, the fetal heartbeat Doppler, and blowing up my mother. 

I found her heartbeat, quickly. And not soon she was back to kicking away. 

I hate this life I am forced to live. 

I was given the blessing of pregnancy again. 

Yet it feels more like a curse. 

Is she moving too much? Will she get tangled? Is she growing right? Will she develop aniema? Will she actually come home? Will she wear all her clothes? 

The open plot behind serenity haunts me every time. Will Selena lay among serenity or Anna belle? 

It's an exhausting world. 

And I wish it was as easy as "trusting gods plan" or citing some positive mantra. 

But it's not. 

I have to forcefully tell myself all will be okay. And bring my worrisome mind back to reality, regardless of the starkness. 

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I am so ready for Selena to be born and here safely in my arms. 

Antibody D.

It sounds so ominous. 

Antibody d. 

Most people don't even know what it is. 

For me, it's a what ruined my life. 

It's what stole my baby girl. 

It's what could steal this new baby girl. 

(If you don't follow me on any other social media baby bean is, actually a girl!) 

It all starts in 2009, when I met Anna belle's father and she was conceived. 

My pregnancy with Anna belle was far from blissful. It was pure hell.

Around 24 weeks my insurance dropped me and I was forced to find a new doctor. In case you didn't know, it's near impossible. 

I was forced to get on tenncare and I finally found a doctor. However I was nearing 28 weeks. 

This place was unorganized, ghetto, overcrowded and understaffed. 

My charts got mixed with someone else's and all of my escalating health issues were going undetected. 

Somewhere around 32-34 weeks it was discovered I had a negative blood type and I got a routine rhogam shot. But this wasn't my only problem. I was only severely preeclampsic and the doctor didn't discover it yet. Not until 37 weeks when I was now fully eclampsic, staring at a monitor as my babies heart rate increased into the 200's and I started to seize. I told you, it was a nightmare. 

Well upon having Anna belle and waiting almost 4 years to have another, with a different father. My charts with Anna belle that were never completed anyways got lost. I did however get my necessary after birth rhogam. Just about the only thing the office did right. But it has since been discovered that Anna belle was right on the line for anemia, and all the warning signs were there that my blood was attacking hers. 

Then here comes serenity. It had been so long and the charts weren't there, the antibody levels were low enough to go undetected. I had the rhogam at 28 weeks when you're supposed to. However, our blood was already crossing. Serenity was extremely anaemic as well. But because I had been given the rhogam the levels were off, it wasn't until her cord wrapped and she was too weak, that we lost her. Had all this been caught she may still be here. 

But given her unexpected death, and the high emotions surrounding it. I was never given my after birth rhogam shot.

I was then fully rh sensitized. 

And for months these antibodies would be forming and plotting their havoc. 

Until there was Selena. 

As if this pregnancy wasn't emotional enough, stressful enough, I have to worry every day if my body will attack hers. 

My body. 

My body I put in the care of professionals 

Is now a full force to be reckoned with. 

:( 

And it pisses me off. 

How simple neglance 5 years ago, lead me here. The fate of my child's life dangling by a thin thread of countless doctors appointments, endless vials of blood work, tests after tests.....

So many big words slapping me in the face...

It's downright unfair. 

:(  

How did we get here?

It's been so long since I wrote.. 

Baby bean is a boy. 

Finally, I am a boy mom. 💙 

However, no sooner than we got the best news of a beautiful baby boy, we also got the devastating news about his condition. 

I have rh- blood. I knew with both girls. I got my scheduled rhogam shots. All was fine and dandy. 

Until March 2,2015. 

When I learned my blood tested positive for 4 antibodies. All which could do harm or potentially kill our son. 

I'm just days away from seeing the specialist and I'm so wrought with emotions. 

We had to cancel serenity's 5k I worked so hard on. The stress of everything going on was just too much for me. And it truly broke my heart. Instead all our loved ones and family gathered around her grave and sent her wishing lanterns. It was a beautiful day for my angel. I miss her so much. 

It's an extremely sensitive place to be at to begin with. Pregnant with new life after giving birth to death. And then to throw on the weight of the world. 

As of now, my doctors only plan is to load us with steroid shots to progress baby bean's growth faster, and deliver early. 

However, I wish that offered some sort of peace within. I'm so terrified. It's so difficult carrying on everyday wondering if this will be his last. If I'll get to meet him. 

I keep wondering how I got to this point in life. Where I turned down this road. 

It seems that everything that could go wrong, has. March 11,2014 changed my course. I never imagined it to be this tough. 

I'm not quite sure I have it in me to lose this baby too. All I want is to be the best mom to my sweet babies. 

And It was positive.

I wanted my tubes tied after serenity so bad. After she passed, they couldn't tie them. I suddenly became so paranoid about getting pregnant again. I just couldn't bear the idea of having another child. 

What if it's another girl? 

Or what if it's a boy like we originally hoped for? 

Or worse

What if it happens again. 

Surely God isn't that way? 

Matthew and I took precautions and still every month since we lost serenity I would buy a test before my expected cycle and test. Often two or three times just to be certain. 

Relieved to see it come up negative.

I never in my years of "womanhood" had gotten so excited for my monthlys. 

But I was literally so petrified of being  pregnant again that I didn't even realize how obsessed I had become. 

It wasn't until I saw how effected anna belle still was. 

It wasn't until I saw the pain in matthews eyes. 

I had to let go of this fear and self guilt for losing serenity. 

And no sooner than I let go. 

It was positive........

No two lines to guess, no pink plus to figure out....

The words were there staring me in the face "pregnant". 

I hadn't even suspected until I realized I was late. 

I cannot lie and say mentally and emotionally I've been in the best position. 

It's hard. 

Wanting a baby. Your baby. For so long

Suddenly there is a baby. But it's not YOUR baby. It's a new baby. 

A new life, a new set of hopes and dreams, a new future, new memories, new what ifs and fears.... All over again. 

I still struggle every moment of every day with serenitys abcense. How can I put myself in this position again? 

My only foundation is there is a plan and a purpose. 

Serenity has given me all the signs she's okay. I've found a new strength and purpose in life. 

I didn't think i could have room in my heart for anna belle and serenity. 

Yet I manage to love them with all of me. Even with a huge missing piece.

I only hope this baby feels the love all around. I pray every night that this is real. That we get to keep this one. 

It doesn't diminish any part of serenitys existence. I still wonder every second. 

I am mostly afraid. How can I get attached? How can I not? 

I always wonder if serenity is proud of Matthew and I as parents. And I got my answer. 

A big freaking positive. 

She wants us to have a second chance. 

I only hope I am strong enough for this new one. 

I hope I am strong enough for all my babies. 

I cannot believe I ever thought I didn't want to be a mother. When it's my sole purpose now. 

I love you anna belle grace, serenity Layla hope, and baby bean. - mommie. 

💜💜💜💜💜💜 

Please come home for Christmas....

Christmas. 

It's supposed to be such a joyous time. 

Surrounded by family and friends. 

Exchanging of heartfelt gifts for each other. 

Food made with time and love to nourish all. 

And for whatever religion you practice, just an all around reflective time on the last year, those you love, the hard times you endure, and the happy times you celebrated. 

But for the family with the empty chair? 

It's a deafening emptiness. The kind that even in the fullest of rooms, booms. 

I think of your first Christmas in existence. 

It was a joyous one. 

Anna belle got lots of goodies from Santa! 

He even got you a cute headband and matching shoes!! 

Your cousin Lydia was finally cleared from the hospital and was ready for family lovings. 

Everything was seemingly perfect. 

If only I had known, in 76 days all that perfectness would be ripped away. 

You would be buried in your headband from Santa. You would never get to wear those cute matching shoes. You would never get to tear open wrapping paper. Be more interested in the boxes than your gifts. 

Your abscense is almost like a shadowy entity. I see it. I feel it. I am always aware of it. Yet there's nothing I can do to make it go away, To cover it up, Anything.

Yet in the same sense I think of all you do get to experience on this holiday! 

In my mind, it's a feast! Surrounded by only the best. With all your tiny hearts desires. 

While it's hell here on earth, I know you're growing up with the best beyond my wildest dreams! 

But even that tiny bit of comfort doesn't ease the pain of missing you sweet angel. 

Why is my reflection someone, I don't know.

Before : 

This is me before. I've always thought of myself as pretty, nothing spectacular. Just a fortunate face with a hard earned body. Add in the tan and long hair and wahla. That was me. I never really struggled with my body image. Because I always considered the source of the negativity. That was all before. 

Now : 

I still have that simply pretty face, and a remarkably nice body given I've now had two children. But I can't see it that way. 

I look in the mirror and see this skeleton of a person staring back. I see the bags from lack of sleep. I see the stress lines. I see this body that failed me. A walking crime scene. It's so hard to be happy or find joy when I carry the murder weapon and scene of the crime with me every nanosecond of every day. 

How can I be happy if I truly hate the body I have to live in??

My depression has been worse for the holidays lately. I pray my sweet family makes it through this huge slump. 

We sure are feeling the depths of the hole you left when you slipped away. 

Forever missing you my sweet diva.