A life is a life, no matter how small.

March 11, 2014. 

There's still so much to that day that I can barely remember. That hurts to remember. That I have completely forgotten and that I won't ever forget. 

Anna belle had gone to visit my brother Devin who was out on spring break that Monday night. I couldn't get comfortable and I just had this nagging feeling something wasn't right. But my mom and Matthew kept calming me down. 

The next day Matt went to work and I kept trying to get comfortable and I finally texted Brittany (Travis) Mears and Jessie (Daffern) Clark "I think today is the day!" And we all chatted about how we were excited, my labor, and all that. 

Unknowing the fate I was about to face. 

I posted on Facebook what happened before I even knew what happened because somehow a family member trying to help had my name added to a prayer chain and people were already asking questions so I wanted everyone to know directly from me. And boy did that start a whole new can of worms. 

Today I was clearing all the clutter out of my Facebook and deleting old messages when I came across the slew of messages from people during that time. 

Some sincerely heartfelt messages, some where people just wanted to say something, anything, just to see my response. 

And I remember a few of them made me so enraged. People telling me they knew how I felt because of a miscarriage. 

Like how dare they demean my fully grown, expected child to an unknown blob. 

How wrong I was. And how I regret that thinking fully. 

Sure most will tell you a stillbirth loss is much greater than a miscarriage. But tell that to the woman struggling with infertility. Tell that to the woman yearning so badly for children yet her body keeps rejecting them before she even gets to know them. 

I am blessed beyond measure to have known Serenity. 269 days with her in my womb. And 104 hours with her earthly body. Far more time than most miscarriage mommies get. 

In my eyes a loss is a loss. You lose more than just a life. You lose all your hopes and dreams for the future. You lose faith in yourself. You lose your sanity. You lose your sense of womanhood. You basically lose everything. 

And frankly, it's just not fair. 

I feel like Serenity's life is already being forgotten. People don't look at her pictures anymore because they've already seen them. They don't like her post anymore because they're like broken records. But for me, that's my life. That's all I have of my daughter. I don't get to see how she'd grow up and look. I don't get silly stories of her pooping on me, spitting her baby food, or the exciting crawling, walking milestones. 

I get empty arms, heartache, a decorated grave, the same 35 pictures, endless grief.  

I feel like I am expected to move on eventually. For my pain to lessen. But that's just not the case :( 

I lost so much more than just my daughter that day. I lost a piece of myself. 

Rock-A-Bye Baby...

So my favorite color before Serenity was purple. 

Finding out about baby girl number two I decided on the proverbial big sister pink and little sister purple color schemes. 

I literally threw a fit that I am now not proud of for this precious pack n play. 

It was so perfect, it literally took me 3 hours of cussing, screaming, and pouting before Matthew effortlessly helped me with what I had struggled with. 

I took it down only 3 weeks after learning you would never sleep in it. 

I couldn't handle seeing the bed without you in it. Having Anna belle walk up to it and tell me how much she missed you. And asked when you were coming home from heaven. 

It's now been 131 days without you. 

I still can't look at your stuff. I still choke up at your name, thought, memory, everything I am missing out on. 

It still feels like an insanely cruel joke. 

I knew life was unfair, oh trust me I knew it. Burying countless friend, after friend from car wrecks, suicide, overdose, accidents, motorcycle crashes, you name it. All good people. People I miss daily. People who didn't deserve to die. People I could off the top of my head easily name 5 replacements for the world would never miss. 

And then I lost you. 

I didn't know it was possible to have your whole world stop, your heart shatter, and you still keep on living. 

But here I am. Surviving. Some how. Some way. 131 days longer than I ever thought possible. 

Matthew said today he never thought we'd break up over your loss. Because it in fact pushed us closer than we had ever been. But for awhile I was dead. Motionless. Just coasting along through the motions. I'm improving. Or at least I hope I am. 

And I feel my bond with Serenity growing stronger and stronger. 

But I keep having this reoccurring nightmare. 

Matthew and I are visiting Serenity's grave. And we start to hear these distant baby cries. we realize they're coming from her grave so we start digging without second thought. The more we dig the closer the cries are but we never actually find her casket. We just keep digging and digging and the cries keep getting louder and louder. Almost deafing and she's still never there. 

It's pretty crippling. 

I lay there for a few minutes trying to compose. 

I never knew her cry. 

I knew Anna belles cry the first second I heard it and I can still identify it in a crowd. 

And I think about the bassinet I threw a for Serenity to sleep in. 

All the stuff I struggled to get for her. 

How eager I had suddenly became for her arrival and life with two divas. 

And how I am left with these two images as the last for my daughter: 

💔💔💔💔💜💜💜💜💜 

Missing you so deeply tonight my angel. 

I can't really remember where I was going with this. So I'll just stop now. I love you more than these words and all words. 

There is nobody more youer than you...

But who am I exactly? 

I am Jessica. 

Jessica wall? Not as of 2003. 

Legally Jessica Linville. 

But who is that? 

I am 23. 

I am a mother to Anna belle. 

I am an angel mom to Serenity. 

I am in love with Matthew. 

My favorite color is purple. 

I work at subway. 

I am trying to get back into school. 

I have a future planned in my head. 

It involves a house. Me driving. A career. My dream wedding. Serenity's 5k. 

But what else am I? 

That's all I feel. 

And most days it's a struggle to be that much. 

I'm empty. Scared. Confused. Angry. Sad. 

I try so hard to be the old Jess before march 11. 

The Jess that dressed up and did her hair for no reason. 

The Jess that worked out every day. Some times several times in one day. 

The Jess that laughed. 

The Jess that could face whatever life through her way. 

But now I'm the Jess that's afraid of everything. 

Including my closet. We put all of Serenity's things in there. So I avoid it like the plague. 

I cried so hard seeing her car seat today. Imaging how she would have looked in it. How big shed be now. If she would be chewing on her elephants. 

It's so unfair. I try to rationalize it. And I end up just as empty as my arms. 

The only answer I have for myself is I, Jessica Danielle Wall-Linville soon to be Irby. Died march 11,2014 at 2pm and was reborn March 11,2014 at 4:02pm. 

And I am a new person trying to figure this new world out. 

I'm just jealous of the angels <3

I have so many thoughts running through my head at the moment. So bear with me. We're nearing 4 months since the best and worst day in all of existence. 

I've been thinking so much of the last day I laid eyes on my Serenity. Matthew and I wrote her letters, as well as our parents, siblings and close loved ones, and placed them under her pillow in her casket. I have this image of her in my head with this stack full of letters climbing up to a bigger angels lap and having her read them to her. No one else read each other's letters. I often wonder what everyone said to her. Their hopes, and dreams for her, their love, how much they'd miss her, how unfair this cruel world is, just something else I guess I torment myself wondering. 

I also have to sit and watch everyone have these beautiful babies, empty handed. I've never heard so many girls complain about their stretch marks before. And I'm over here longing for them. Wishing I had something visible to show the world that my body has not only held the 5lb 5oz beauty that is my Anna Belle Grace but also the 6lb 3oz angel that is my Serenity Layla Hope. I find myself missing that big ole uncomfortable belly. 

♥ ”There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all its dreadfulness, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme. If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms.” -Charlotte Bronte

Missing you more than ever my sweet angel :(