Rock-A-Bye Baby...

So my favorite color before Serenity was purple. 

Finding out about baby girl number two I decided on the proverbial big sister pink and little sister purple color schemes. 

I literally threw a fit that I am now not proud of for this precious pack n play. 

It was so perfect, it literally took me 3 hours of cussing, screaming, and pouting before Matthew effortlessly helped me with what I had struggled with. 

I took it down only 3 weeks after learning you would never sleep in it. 

I couldn't handle seeing the bed without you in it. Having Anna belle walk up to it and tell me how much she missed you. And asked when you were coming home from heaven. 

It's now been 131 days without you. 

I still can't look at your stuff. I still choke up at your name, thought, memory, everything I am missing out on. 

It still feels like an insanely cruel joke. 

I knew life was unfair, oh trust me I knew it. Burying countless friend, after friend from car wrecks, suicide, overdose, accidents, motorcycle crashes, you name it. All good people. People I miss daily. People who didn't deserve to die. People I could off the top of my head easily name 5 replacements for the world would never miss. 

And then I lost you. 

I didn't know it was possible to have your whole world stop, your heart shatter, and you still keep on living. 

But here I am. Surviving. Some how. Some way. 131 days longer than I ever thought possible. 

Matthew said today he never thought we'd break up over your loss. Because it in fact pushed us closer than we had ever been. But for awhile I was dead. Motionless. Just coasting along through the motions. I'm improving. Or at least I hope I am. 

And I feel my bond with Serenity growing stronger and stronger. 

But I keep having this reoccurring nightmare. 

Matthew and I are visiting Serenity's grave. And we start to hear these distant baby cries. we realize they're coming from her grave so we start digging without second thought. The more we dig the closer the cries are but we never actually find her casket. We just keep digging and digging and the cries keep getting louder and louder. Almost deafing and she's still never there. 

It's pretty crippling. 

I lay there for a few minutes trying to compose. 

I never knew her cry. 

I knew Anna belles cry the first second I heard it and I can still identify it in a crowd. 

And I think about the bassinet I threw a for Serenity to sleep in. 

All the stuff I struggled to get for her. 

How eager I had suddenly became for her arrival and life with two divas. 

And how I am left with these two images as the last for my daughter: 

💔💔💔💔💜💜💜💜💜 

Missing you so deeply tonight my angel. 

I can't really remember where I was going with this. So I'll just stop now. I love you more than these words and all words.