There's still so much to that day that I can barely remember. That hurts to remember. That I have completely forgotten and that I won't ever forget.
Anna belle had gone to visit my brother Devin who was out on spring break that Monday night. I couldn't get comfortable and I just had this nagging feeling something wasn't right. But my mom and Matthew kept calming me down.
The next day Matt went to work and I kept trying to get comfortable and I finally texted Brittany (Travis) Mears and Jessie (Daffern) Clark "I think today is the day!" And we all chatted about how we were excited, my labor, and all that.
Unknowing the fate I was about to face.
I posted on Facebook what happened before I even knew what happened because somehow a family member trying to help had my name added to a prayer chain and people were already asking questions so I wanted everyone to know directly from me. And boy did that start a whole new can of worms.
Today I was clearing all the clutter out of my Facebook and deleting old messages when I came across the slew of messages from people during that time.
Some sincerely heartfelt messages, some where people just wanted to say something, anything, just to see my response.
And I remember a few of them made me so enraged. People telling me they knew how I felt because of a miscarriage.
Like how dare they demean my fully grown, expected child to an unknown blob.
How wrong I was. And how I regret that thinking fully.
Sure most will tell you a stillbirth loss is much greater than a miscarriage. But tell that to the woman struggling with infertility. Tell that to the woman yearning so badly for children yet her body keeps rejecting them before she even gets to know them.
I am blessed beyond measure to have known Serenity. 269 days with her in my womb. And 104 hours with her earthly body. Far more time than most miscarriage mommies get.
In my eyes a loss is a loss. You lose more than just a life. You lose all your hopes and dreams for the future. You lose faith in yourself. You lose your sanity. You lose your sense of womanhood. You basically lose everything.
And frankly, it's just not fair.
I feel like Serenity's life is already being forgotten. People don't look at her pictures anymore because they've already seen them. They don't like her post anymore because they're like broken records. But for me, that's my life. That's all I have of my daughter. I don't get to see how she'd grow up and look. I don't get silly stories of her pooping on me, spitting her baby food, or the exciting crawling, walking milestones.
I get empty arms, heartache, a decorated grave, the same 35 pictures, endless grief.
I feel like I am expected to move on eventually. For my pain to lessen. But that's just not the case :(
I lost so much more than just my daughter that day. I lost a piece of myself.
A million thoughts run through my mind trying to find the right words to say. Something that will help, mean something. Then I realize that can never actually happen. I don't have the right words to say. There aren't any. I honestly don't know what to say. When people say, "my heart goes out to you", I never understood what that meant. For me though, it has a meaning now. I literally feel my heart reach out for you and your family. Its a feeling I've never known before and I it has changed me for the better. That sweet angel has left a mark on my heart in the best way possible. I don't think you can ever move on from something like this. The people who say you should would be silent if they knew a fraction of what you feel. I don't mean that in a bad or harsh way, just that it's a part of you. A sad part, but with it the love, memories and how much a way too short life can impact the world in such an amazing way, a happy part too. I don't know if these words help at all and I've probably repeated myself in other things I've said, but I just wanted them out there so you know someone else is there :-)
ReplyDelete