There is nobody more youer than you...

But who am I exactly? 

I am Jessica. 

Jessica wall? Not as of 2003. 

Legally Jessica Linville. 

But who is that? 

I am 23. 

I am a mother to Anna belle. 

I am an angel mom to Serenity. 

I am in love with Matthew. 

My favorite color is purple. 

I work at subway. 

I am trying to get back into school. 

I have a future planned in my head. 

It involves a house. Me driving. A career. My dream wedding. Serenity's 5k. 

But what else am I? 

That's all I feel. 

And most days it's a struggle to be that much. 

I'm empty. Scared. Confused. Angry. Sad. 

I try so hard to be the old Jess before march 11. 

The Jess that dressed up and did her hair for no reason. 

The Jess that worked out every day. Some times several times in one day. 

The Jess that laughed. 

The Jess that could face whatever life through her way. 

But now I'm the Jess that's afraid of everything. 

Including my closet. We put all of Serenity's things in there. So I avoid it like the plague. 

I cried so hard seeing her car seat today. Imaging how she would have looked in it. How big shed be now. If she would be chewing on her elephants. 

It's so unfair. I try to rationalize it. And I end up just as empty as my arms. 

The only answer I have for myself is I, Jessica Danielle Wall-Linville soon to be Irby. Died march 11,2014 at 2pm and was reborn March 11,2014 at 4:02pm. 

And I am a new person trying to figure this new world out.