I'm just jealous of the angels <3

I have so many thoughts running through my head at the moment. So bear with me. We're nearing 4 months since the best and worst day in all of existence. 

I've been thinking so much of the last day I laid eyes on my Serenity. Matthew and I wrote her letters, as well as our parents, siblings and close loved ones, and placed them under her pillow in her casket. I have this image of her in my head with this stack full of letters climbing up to a bigger angels lap and having her read them to her. No one else read each other's letters. I often wonder what everyone said to her. Their hopes, and dreams for her, their love, how much they'd miss her, how unfair this cruel world is, just something else I guess I torment myself wondering. 

I also have to sit and watch everyone have these beautiful babies, empty handed. I've never heard so many girls complain about their stretch marks before. And I'm over here longing for them. Wishing I had something visible to show the world that my body has not only held the 5lb 5oz beauty that is my Anna Belle Grace but also the 6lb 3oz angel that is my Serenity Layla Hope. I find myself missing that big ole uncomfortable belly. 

♥ ”There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all its dreadfulness, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme. If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms.” -Charlotte Bronte

Missing you more than ever my sweet angel :(