I wear this pain like a heavy coat...

Reality hits me like a ton of bricks over and over daily. 

I get sad, and I feel guilty because i know deep down serenity would want her Mommie happy. 

I get happy, and feel guilty for being happy. As if there is a sense of happiness to be found amidst this endless deluge of grief. 

So many pregnancies on my facebook.

Not that I'm not happy for them. 

But I am so jealous. 

Why do they get their child, more than one? 

And I don't get to keep my daughter. 

More less why didn't I get any answers? 

Why isn't she here? She was perfect from head to toe, inside and out, fully baked. 

So where is she? Why isn't she in my empty, longing arms? 

It's so hard to face the reality that I have given birth to death, and buried a child.

Witnessing all the things I am missing out on. Visiting a grave instead of a cradle. 

I'm trying so hard to bring light to her life, that is so quickly shoved to the shadows. In 165 short days, she'll be one. She's almost been gone more days than she was here. And I'm not ready to let go. 

I just want to wake up from this endless nightmare. 

I'm having a very rough night and been in a really rough patch in my journey lately. 

I pray you'll guide us through my sassy diva! 

Until then, here's me and my girls at my mama steph's wedding. 💜💜 

Death before life..

I read something on the Internet once about the birthdate and the death date, about how people always signifiy those two dates with such meaning when it's the dash in between that is their whole lifespan. 

Serenity doesn't have a dash. 

And if she did hers would read (birthday to death date): march 11,2014 - march 8, 2014. 

She was gone for 3 days before my world was shattered. 

In your mind I know you're already thinking "how could she not know"? 

Serenity's feet were stuck in my ribcage, if you've seen the photo of her feet you'll notice they crook up, so her body moved every single time my body did. She was so big for my little frame I had figured she didn't have any room left and her feet were in fact stuck in my ribs. 

So back to my original point. Serenity's dash. She didn't get a life. Not one that a dash could represent. And it's such a hard reality to face. 

So days I am having to painfully remind myself she did in fact exist. She was here. She was real. And she died. Unfairly. For no medical reason at all. 

Other days I still feel miserably pregnant with her. I can feel those long skinny feet thrust into my ribs. I can feel those level jabs or the hip headbutts. 

I have successfully launched Serenity's footsteps in her honor. Our first round of shirts, a whopping 72, are now around the world fulfilling a bucket list of things she never will get to accomplish in this world. And I am so beyond humbled, blessed, and grateful for everyone who is aiding in her journey! 

We filed for the official 5k city permits, and a nonprofit organization tax id! 

But still, that's not Serenity's living legacy. 

Because Serenity didn't get to live her life. 

I think I'll forever wonder the whys and the what ifs. I don't think in my lifetime I'll ever get a reasoning in this grand master plan. Nor do I think time will heal all. 

And I can say time has made things easier to deal with. But I wonder if that's my mind and heart protecting itself from completely losing it. Because times like this, when I'm so overwhelmed and I feel lead to share my ramblings, nothing feels easier at all. Like it just happened yesterday. 

She's nearing her 6 month angelversary. And boy is it hitting me HARD. I just miss her so much. I miss what I'm not experiencing as a mother with her. I hate all this unknown. The should have, would have, could haves. 

 

I'm trying so hard to let go of my grief, little by little. Because it's a vicious monster. An ever changing parasite. And if I don't watch out it completely consumes me. 

I only hope I am making Serenity proud. Making her dash all she hopes it would be. How do you continue someone's life they never lived? 

I hope each painful, and heart wrenching post, memory, trial, tribulation, brings me one step closer to breaking the silence that is stillbirth. I hope that were one step closer to reducing the amount of stillbirths. Offering explanations. Ways to help. I just have to focus all this grief into something positive. 

And in case you haven't seen it: here's her cutesy little feet! 

I sure miss those kickers! 

Mommie loves you with everything I have left my Serenity Layla hope 💜 

How to say "I am sorry" to a grieving parent.

A loss no one can fathom. 

A pain so crippling, your world literally comes to a screeching halt. 

So mind numbing... Phsyically numbing. The only thing you feel is this constant stabbing where your heart is aching in your chest. It's hard to breathe. Your mind this sudden whirlwind trying to process the events.... 

I remember sitting in the hospital and everyone was telling me "I'm so sorry for your loss" "I can't imagine how you feel right now" "everything happens for a reason" "god just needed another angel" "at least you still have Anna belle" and someone even told Matthew "at least you don't have to pay child support now bro" 

Naturally when a child dies, before their life ever actually began it's confusing. Even the most seasoned doctors and nurses are lifted stumped in their tracks. 

I know. I sat with my ob, and nurses and cried and cried with no words spoken many, many times. 

I never for once have ever wished anyone to feel any empathy for me. I never wish anyone to feel this pain that courses through my body. Almost as if my blood has been replaced with grief, and it's becoming me. 

And for what reason, what cause of the greater good could it be served that my daughters heart stopped beating? 

Also, there's literally over 6.8 billion people in the world, and god had to call my unborn daughter first? He couldn't even let me say hi? Instead I'm left with so many unanswered questions and gaps and who she would have been and what if's? 

And I feel I can speak on Matthew's behalf that he would shell out millions if that meant his baby girl was back in his arms. Child support. Ha. The last of his fatherly worries. 

So here my point. A simple: I'm sorry, I'll be praying for you. Or you're in my thoughts, surely will suffice. While I know no one meant any harm, it didn't stop it from feeling like salt in my open wound. And how do you tell them? Do you spare their feelings when you feel you have none left but negative and sorrow? 

I have met so many people standing in my very shoes and yet no one has ever congratulated them on making a child so beautiful and perfect they got a first class ticket to heaven. I am not sorry for Serenity's life. She's touched more people than I ever dreamed. I am a proud mommie of two. A proud angel mom. My children are my life. Even in their death. 

So I'll leave you with this:  

A life is a life, no matter how small.

March 11, 2014. 

There's still so much to that day that I can barely remember. That hurts to remember. That I have completely forgotten and that I won't ever forget. 

Anna belle had gone to visit my brother Devin who was out on spring break that Monday night. I couldn't get comfortable and I just had this nagging feeling something wasn't right. But my mom and Matthew kept calming me down. 

The next day Matt went to work and I kept trying to get comfortable and I finally texted Brittany (Travis) Mears and Jessie (Daffern) Clark "I think today is the day!" And we all chatted about how we were excited, my labor, and all that. 

Unknowing the fate I was about to face. 

I posted on Facebook what happened before I even knew what happened because somehow a family member trying to help had my name added to a prayer chain and people were already asking questions so I wanted everyone to know directly from me. And boy did that start a whole new can of worms. 

Today I was clearing all the clutter out of my Facebook and deleting old messages when I came across the slew of messages from people during that time. 

Some sincerely heartfelt messages, some where people just wanted to say something, anything, just to see my response. 

And I remember a few of them made me so enraged. People telling me they knew how I felt because of a miscarriage. 

Like how dare they demean my fully grown, expected child to an unknown blob. 

How wrong I was. And how I regret that thinking fully. 

Sure most will tell you a stillbirth loss is much greater than a miscarriage. But tell that to the woman struggling with infertility. Tell that to the woman yearning so badly for children yet her body keeps rejecting them before she even gets to know them. 

I am blessed beyond measure to have known Serenity. 269 days with her in my womb. And 104 hours with her earthly body. Far more time than most miscarriage mommies get. 

In my eyes a loss is a loss. You lose more than just a life. You lose all your hopes and dreams for the future. You lose faith in yourself. You lose your sanity. You lose your sense of womanhood. You basically lose everything. 

And frankly, it's just not fair. 

I feel like Serenity's life is already being forgotten. People don't look at her pictures anymore because they've already seen them. They don't like her post anymore because they're like broken records. But for me, that's my life. That's all I have of my daughter. I don't get to see how she'd grow up and look. I don't get silly stories of her pooping on me, spitting her baby food, or the exciting crawling, walking milestones. 

I get empty arms, heartache, a decorated grave, the same 35 pictures, endless grief.  

I feel like I am expected to move on eventually. For my pain to lessen. But that's just not the case :( 

I lost so much more than just my daughter that day. I lost a piece of myself. 

Rock-A-Bye Baby...

So my favorite color before Serenity was purple. 

Finding out about baby girl number two I decided on the proverbial big sister pink and little sister purple color schemes. 

I literally threw a fit that I am now not proud of for this precious pack n play. 

It was so perfect, it literally took me 3 hours of cussing, screaming, and pouting before Matthew effortlessly helped me with what I had struggled with. 

I took it down only 3 weeks after learning you would never sleep in it. 

I couldn't handle seeing the bed without you in it. Having Anna belle walk up to it and tell me how much she missed you. And asked when you were coming home from heaven. 

It's now been 131 days without you. 

I still can't look at your stuff. I still choke up at your name, thought, memory, everything I am missing out on. 

It still feels like an insanely cruel joke. 

I knew life was unfair, oh trust me I knew it. Burying countless friend, after friend from car wrecks, suicide, overdose, accidents, motorcycle crashes, you name it. All good people. People I miss daily. People who didn't deserve to die. People I could off the top of my head easily name 5 replacements for the world would never miss. 

And then I lost you. 

I didn't know it was possible to have your whole world stop, your heart shatter, and you still keep on living. 

But here I am. Surviving. Some how. Some way. 131 days longer than I ever thought possible. 

Matthew said today he never thought we'd break up over your loss. Because it in fact pushed us closer than we had ever been. But for awhile I was dead. Motionless. Just coasting along through the motions. I'm improving. Or at least I hope I am. 

And I feel my bond with Serenity growing stronger and stronger. 

But I keep having this reoccurring nightmare. 

Matthew and I are visiting Serenity's grave. And we start to hear these distant baby cries. we realize they're coming from her grave so we start digging without second thought. The more we dig the closer the cries are but we never actually find her casket. We just keep digging and digging and the cries keep getting louder and louder. Almost deafing and she's still never there. 

It's pretty crippling. 

I lay there for a few minutes trying to compose. 

I never knew her cry. 

I knew Anna belles cry the first second I heard it and I can still identify it in a crowd. 

And I think about the bassinet I threw a for Serenity to sleep in. 

All the stuff I struggled to get for her. 

How eager I had suddenly became for her arrival and life with two divas. 

And how I am left with these two images as the last for my daughter: 

💔💔💔💔💜💜💜💜💜 

Missing you so deeply tonight my angel. 

I can't really remember where I was going with this. So I'll just stop now. I love you more than these words and all words. 

There is nobody more youer than you...

But who am I exactly? 

I am Jessica. 

Jessica wall? Not as of 2003. 

Legally Jessica Linville. 

But who is that? 

I am 23. 

I am a mother to Anna belle. 

I am an angel mom to Serenity. 

I am in love with Matthew. 

My favorite color is purple. 

I work at subway. 

I am trying to get back into school. 

I have a future planned in my head. 

It involves a house. Me driving. A career. My dream wedding. Serenity's 5k. 

But what else am I? 

That's all I feel. 

And most days it's a struggle to be that much. 

I'm empty. Scared. Confused. Angry. Sad. 

I try so hard to be the old Jess before march 11. 

The Jess that dressed up and did her hair for no reason. 

The Jess that worked out every day. Some times several times in one day. 

The Jess that laughed. 

The Jess that could face whatever life through her way. 

But now I'm the Jess that's afraid of everything. 

Including my closet. We put all of Serenity's things in there. So I avoid it like the plague. 

I cried so hard seeing her car seat today. Imaging how she would have looked in it. How big shed be now. If she would be chewing on her elephants. 

It's so unfair. I try to rationalize it. And I end up just as empty as my arms. 

The only answer I have for myself is I, Jessica Danielle Wall-Linville soon to be Irby. Died march 11,2014 at 2pm and was reborn March 11,2014 at 4:02pm. 

And I am a new person trying to figure this new world out. 

I'm just jealous of the angels <3

I have so many thoughts running through my head at the moment. So bear with me. We're nearing 4 months since the best and worst day in all of existence. 

I've been thinking so much of the last day I laid eyes on my Serenity. Matthew and I wrote her letters, as well as our parents, siblings and close loved ones, and placed them under her pillow in her casket. I have this image of her in my head with this stack full of letters climbing up to a bigger angels lap and having her read them to her. No one else read each other's letters. I often wonder what everyone said to her. Their hopes, and dreams for her, their love, how much they'd miss her, how unfair this cruel world is, just something else I guess I torment myself wondering. 

I also have to sit and watch everyone have these beautiful babies, empty handed. I've never heard so many girls complain about their stretch marks before. And I'm over here longing for them. Wishing I had something visible to show the world that my body has not only held the 5lb 5oz beauty that is my Anna Belle Grace but also the 6lb 3oz angel that is my Serenity Layla Hope. I find myself missing that big ole uncomfortable belly. 

♥ ”There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all its dreadfulness, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme. If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms.” -Charlotte Bronte

Missing you more than ever my sweet angel :(