Every great dream begins with a dreamer..

You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one. Okay cheap shot at a quote lol. 

But fa real. 

Since losing Serenity I've had this incessant need to memorialize her. To keep her memory alive in everyone aside from my family. 

I found out today that people that I'm not friends with on Facebook, Instagram, or twitter read this very blog. Humbling and grateful. 

My vision, or dream, for Serenity's birthday march 11, 2015 I want to host a 5k. I originally wanted to raise money for still birth awareness. However after joining an amazing support group, SOBBS, I learned of these: 

Cuddle Cotts

The idea opposite if a billy blanket. To keep the deceased child cold so the family can spend precious moments often lost to chill them so they don't change. If you've never lost a loved one in this sense you will never truly know the value of "cooler minutes". Giving a family all the time to take photos, make memories, is something beyond me and Serenity. I can't even explain into words what it would mean. I hope to make this dream a reality and I hope each and every one of you can help me! I'll definitely keep everyone posted in this new journey. 

Also those following who don't see my Facebook, the govenor himself emailed me back in regards to her a birth certificate. We will be getting a state id number as well as a birth and death certificate. I am moved beyond words to have these things. You never know what something so simple means when suddenly it's denied to you. 

Love you my angel. 

Life's like an hourglass glued to the table.

Two babies on birth control pills aren't good odds. 

A horrible experience with an iud. 

And the doctor urging against an implant. 

The Nuvaring weirds me out. 

And the stats on patches left me facing the depo shot as my only birth control option. 

Because I was going to have my tubes tied after Serenity was born, since she passed they wouldn't do it. 

Matthew and I have since discussed having more children in the future. 

Well the depo is doing a huge number on my body, not even weight wise, I've lost almost 25lbs on it, but emtional and physical health, it's horrible. So Matthew and I are considering no longer taking it. 

And the same day. As if a cruel joke from life, I receive this email: 

😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

I'm not ready for another baby. Because I still want MY Serenity back. It's thrown me into this place I don't like being thinking about it. Why on earth would god allow us to have another child and not Serenity? And I read so many stories of infertility and child loss what if we lose another one? I could not even begin to handle that. Oh god why? 

Can I not just get through her first year of should have been milestones and my wedding before thinking of another child? The idea of conceiving in the next two months and that child being born on or around her birthday is too much to bear. 

I feel tested from every angle possible. 

It's not fair. 

I know life isn't fair. Blah blah blah. 

But I can not for the life of me understand all that is happening :( 

And I felt like I breathed an atmosphere of sorrow.

I've been thinking in depth about my entire pregnancy. 

The differences in Anna belle and Serenity. 

The similarities. 

With Anna belle I had 4 baby showers, as well as tons of hand-me-downs. So much crap I didn't know where to put it all or what to do with it. 

With Serenity, I had one baby shower, that a whopping 8 people showed up too. And no hand-me-downs at all. 

Almost as if the universe knew we wouldn't be bringing her home. 

With Anna belle I was in pregnancy bliss, glowing, and aside from the morning sickness my entire pregnancy, I always felt great. 

However, with Serenity I always felt like utter crap. Sick, aching, scared, and this unnerving feeling that something just wasn't right. 

But then with both girls, I had this peace. As scared, and unprepared as I felt I was so excited for life with baby girls. My mini mes. Pink and purple. Hair bows and ribbons. Dressing then alike. All the fun stuff we'd all be able to do. And how I actually pitied Matthew for being the only male in the household and how I promised him he could get a boy dog of his choice to even the testosterone field a little. 

And how wrong I was about all that. I wish so badly to turn the hands of time back. To go to the hospital and demand something be done because I shouldn't have been that uncomfortable, she was too big for my body. I had been told I wouldn't be able to carry a baby over 5lbs. And she was 6lbs 3oz! 

So much I wish I could change that's all out of my control. 

:( 

I just hope serenity knew how much she was loved. Even if we were nervous and scared. I hope her last minutes she wasn't scared and upset. What kind of mother doesn't know when her baby is in peril? :( I just want to hold her. Tickle those feet. Hear those cries, and giggles. See those big bright eyes, know their color. 

Baby un-fever?

It's almost been a year since Serenity was conceived, and this whole journey began. I've been a little beside myself with emotions lately. 

I have baby fever again, but not really. I just have my baby fever. I just want my Serenity back. I want to feel whole again. 

I just really can't gather my thoughts without tears flowing to the point I can't see to type and have to pause and lose my train of thought. 

I think the worst part of this whole thing is the unknown. The should have beens. Would have beens. All the questions I yearn to have answers for. 

The look on people's faces when you know they want to say something but not the wrong thing. When they don't know what to say at all. The pity that washes over them. 

Blah. 

I hope my hormones level themselves out here soon. 

Life at conception?

What determines life?

According to abortion ralliest, life forms at conception.

Some believe when the babies heart forms and starts beating.

And good ole Webster's defines it as the such:

1) The condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.

Living things and their activity.

                A particular type or aspect of people's existence.

              Vitality, vigor, or energy.

2) The existence of an individual human being or animal.

 A biography.

Either of the two states of a person's existence separated by death

Any of a number of successive existences in which a soul is held to be reincarnated

A chance to live after narrowly escaping death

3) The period between the birth and death of a living thing, especially a human being.

The period during which something inanimate or abstract continues to exist, function, or be valid.

 A sentence of imprisonment for life.

4) (In art) the depiction of a subject from a real model, rather than from an artist's imagination.

 

My definition of life? 

Those two plus signs. From the very second those popped up, I knew I was now a vessel harboring life inside. Matthew knew it. The doctors knew it. Anyone who saw knew it. 

March 11, also known as the best and worst day in all of existenence, I learned the heartbeat I had fallen in love with, the heartbeat I was so ready for, had stopped beating. I saw with my own two eyes her heart chamber on the screen no longer beating. The flat line. An image forever ingrained in my memory, no amount of drugs, therapy, or time could ever erase. Did this make my baby no longer a life? 

Well march 13, I got this answer without asking. "Regretfully, you won't get a death certificate since she never actually took a breath of life to receive a birth certificate" 

What?! Can you repeat that? Because this life I grew never breathed the air you and I did she's no longer a person? Are you kidding? Tell me this is a cruel joke? Part of this nightmare I can't seem to wake up from.... 

Not a joke. 

Real life. 

Unless of course I'm in some coma and my brain is living out the worst case scenario. But I doubt that. 

And I'm left here, wondering all these questions, to which I emailed our fantastic state of Tennessee about. 

If abortion is illegal in this state because a baby is a life at conception, why aren't they considered a life after the heart stops? 

Granted I feel this isn't something that should be a huge ordeal, but given my daughters entire life was denied to us. As well as professional hospital photos. An obituary. Having a legal paper trail of her existence for her future ancestors, is that so much to ask? That the world knew she was at one time a living, growing, thriving human being? 

How this is considered life... 

And this 

And even this... 

But not this? 

Oh God, I am begging you to grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Humility.

A lesson I've learned the past 99 days. 

Humilty. 

I've been knocked to my knees, broken, and left to deal. 

Constantly wondering, questioning, seeking. 

And it's children who get it without even getting it. 

When Serenity first passed away, I dreaded to tell her. But I knew I had to. I couldn't rob her even more. 

And she understood instantly. Her sissy is an angel in heaven. And that was that 

Today at Izzy's funeral her big brother wanted to know why he couldn't go see his sister and I told him, well she's an angel in heaven. And he said no she's over there in the box. Where I got this next line I'll never know, maybe god himself gave me the words. But I said well she's not really in the box, that's just an elevator to heaven. But if he ever wanted to talk to her or just missed her to put his hand on his heart and he could talk out loud or in his head and every time his heartbeat that was her talking back. And it's amazing how something so simple appeased him. 

And then afterwards in the car on the way home, a little girl named bri told me. I'm really sorry your baby died like Izzy. And I said well me too but now they're best friends and get to play together all the time. And I bet they even have pink and purple wings. She seemed excited about that and then said I hope my aunt Leslie's baby doesn't die I really want my baby cousin. And I told her that she didn't have to worry because izzy and Serenity wouldn't let that happen. And I told her how she could talk to them in heaven the same way I explained to Anna belle and Landon. And she got extra excited. She asked if she could talk to her grandpa too and I assured her if she knew anyone in heaven she could talk to them that way. And she just sat there the rest of the car ride holding her heart smiling. 

Why can't I find peace like these innocent children? 

I can't find comfort in my own words. 

I am humbled beyond belief to see these children understand such unbearable heartache. I hurt that they know such evils at such a young age, but find comfort in the tinest of hopes. 

I pray I learn this myself. 

I hope you rest in sweet peace Izzy Mae, I know my Serenity will take good care of you. And I do find joy in that thought. 

Give me reason

I used to have this sincere enthusiasm and zealous for pregnant woman. 

And then like a part of me with Serenity, that too died. 

Now I feel nervous, and this growing anticipation and agony for them. Like I want their 40 weeks to fly by and see them holding their babies happy and healthy, as life should be. 

My flawed and narrow minded thinking, always lead me to believe babies only died if they had something wrong with them or the woman was neglectful and did drugs or drank. 

How wrong I was. Serenity didn't have a single thing wrong, head to toe, internally, externally, she was true perfection. 

And yet, she died, before she ever got to actually live. And no reason except, a cord issue. 

And I hate feeling like this. Will I always be a lunatic? Will I always flip flop between angry, sad, depressed, happy, manageing??? 

God I am on my knees begging for some guidance or clarity?! 

I didn't know it was physically possible to feel this broken and live, or love someone you never actually met. :( 

I miss you more as the days drag on. 

I love you more than words or life. 

June 15, 2014.....

Today is Matthew's first Father's Day. 

A day I dreaded for him. 

A day he dreaded. 

Feeling immense pressure on my shoulders to make this day as painless as possible I just prayed. To god. Serenity. Any angel that would listen. Give me the strength to get him through this day please. I won't ask for anything else. 

I woke up super early, and just started writing for 10 straight minutes as if a voice was whispering into my ear what to say. Stuck in autopilot. Writing someone else's words. From start to finish. No stopping. And when I finally finished I read over it and I knew it was Serenity's words for her daddy. With his permission I'm going to share it, and please don't steal it, or rip it off: 

"Happy Father’s Day, daddy

I know it’s hard to be happy on this day, but please try for me.

I know you think “how can I be a daddy without a baby?”

But don’t you see daddy, you created me.

I know you think you let me down daddy, 

But I wish you could see all the beauty I see.

I want you to know I’m doing just fine

I get to run and play.

I do miss you a lot daddy, and mommy and sissy too.

I know we never really got to meet, 

so, don’t cry when you think of me daddy.

Remember the time I kicked you in the face?

I was so excited to hear you talking to me.

I love you so much daddy.

I’ll ask Jesus to reach down and let me show you.

Every ray of sun that warms your skin, think of my hugs.

Every butterfly that crosses your path, think of my sweet kisses.

Every drop of rain, think of my love pouring down on you.

Every gust of wind, think of me sitting on your shoulder, and running around you.

So see daddy, I’m with you everywhere.

Though mostly in your heart,

And I just want you to be happy,

Even though we are apart.

I love you daddy.

With all my love,

Your sweet Serenity Layla Hope" 

So to celebrate this day for him we went and picked out some new stuff for her grave, and cleaned it up a good bit and just sat there and cried. Missing her. Trying to make sense of it still. And it was like I could feel this huge burden lift off his shoulders. 

I can say after a few trips to the store, for some beer and homemade loaded nachos. I have one spoiled, happy ish papa bear. 

Thank you to everyone who has kept us in their thoughts and prayers continually. 

Moments of Serenity..

Three months old today. 

Three days I got with her. 

Third month of the year. 

I'm still yearning for some meaning to this madness. Some big life lesson. Some fulfilled purpose. Why me. Why her. Why our family. so many questions with little to no answers. 

I paint a face on every day to keep people satisfied and at bay. When in the inside i am fighting all these demons. 

I get so angry, jealous, upset, happy, confused, all these emotions at the slightest sight of a baby, a car seat, the color purple, seeing a family with two girls, pregnant bellies.. All these reminders of what I am missing. 

Today Serenity's 3 months old, and I'm hoping to find comfort in her passing that people will appreciate their own babies more. And low and behold I receive this: 

I cried, prayed, and felt the pang of jealously looking through his sweet pictures, is that how big my girl would be? Smiling? Holding her head up? Laughing? God what I would give to know all these things people overlook and take for granted. Who knows. Maybe I would have too. Lord knows I was terrified to have two children, especially girls. I do however know, if and when the good lord blesses us with another child, hand picked by Serenity herself, I'll appreciate every nanosecond with that child. Including all the miserable days of pregnancy. 

Mommy is missing you something fierce baby girl. Sissy misses you too. As well as daddy! 

Beyond the grave.

It's been extremely hard for me to formulate this post. 

Recently, Anna belle made the comment someone told her that her sister is dead. 

And that she's no longer her sister anymore because she's dead. 

I hate that word more than I hate *shivers* stillbirth. (Can't believe I typed it). 

Anna belle doesn't understand such a concept. In her innocent mind, her sister is an angel in heaven. Regardless of what that actually means Anna belle still constantly talks about her sister and how much she loves and misses her. 

And in her mind that's all the explanation she needs. As she grows older, she'll understand this painful concept more on depth, but for someone to explain to her the finality, emptiness, and emotionless reality of death as her no longer having a sister in that sense in completely appalling. 

Surely, when you lose your mother or father, you are in fact still a son or daughter. Likewise with any other family member. Just because Anna belle never got to be the textbook definition of a sister, she still is. She kissed my belly, sang to it, talked to it, hugged it, loved it, anticipated her arrival. I truly believe there was no living soul more excited for Serenity's life than her sister. 

And it pains me beyond words that she  ever got to experience her in the way you and I experience siblings. As much as my sister and I butt heads. I couldn't imagine life without her. Even not talking, not seeing each other, the fact that we are siblings will never change. Even after death and beyond. 

My only wish as a mother was to protect both my daughters from the evils of this world. And while one is living the life in the clouds, the other is experiencing the worst possible evil there is, being robbed of sisterhood. 

I can never thank everyone enough for their continual prayers for us. It helps more than you or I may realize. And I hope I never let either one of my girls down as their mother. 

I promise to always give Anna belle the life she deserves as we'll as Serenity's memory the life it deserves. 

Father's Day..

I haven't updated as much as I had originally intended. Mother's Day was quite possibly the worst day it could have been, scheduled to not only work, but open, and work the lunch rush. Then to come home to nothing. No happy mothers days. No flowers. No cards. No mention of Serenity. Nothing. I felt even more empty. Surely everyone remembered I am still a mother to Anna belle and not just an angel mom, I did get tagged in a myriad of Facebook posts. I some how managed to get through. 

And here I am now. Faced with Matthew's first Father's Day as a dad. Except he doesn't identify himself as a dad. He was a dad, but he isn't now. And how my heart breaks for him. He's such a good person, even if he doesn't see it or feel it. I do, Anna belle does, and Serenity knows it. 

I have sat and watched everything in his life fall apart in the last year, every last thing... And I wish so badly I could take ok that burden for him, ease his pain, sorrow, desolateness... 

We have gotten officially engaged and started the agony of wedding planning. Although I feel the white elephant in the room with the wedding, will that too be ruined or jeopardized? Everything else has been, including our daughters life. I've said it time and time again. Pregnancy equals a baby, not an angel. So why is our baby an angel? 

Why didn't Matthew get to be the father he so richly deserves to be? 

I would crawl to the firey pits of hell to bring Serenity back for him and Anna belle. Even if that meant I still never get to meet her, the world will. 

Everyone associates my grief as a journey, but it's not. There's no ups and downs, it's more like I'm an empty vessel stuck in a whirlwind of emotions, anger, sorrow, guilt, agony, you name it. 

I found myself today wondering why it had to be her me not someone else's baby. Until I met other babies who passed on like she did and it's unfair. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Why does a baby have to die? What is the purpose or lesson in that? A life never lived or short lived. Certainly we learn the gradtitude and gratefulness for long lives, but what else? :( 

Oh what I'd give to be under slept, pooped on, stressed to the max, emotional new mommie to Serenity. Instead of this anxious, lunatic, sleep deprived being I am now :( 

Just pray for us on his upcoming day and that I am granted the Serenity to help him through it as well.