June 15, 2014.....

Today is Matthew's first Father's Day. 

A day I dreaded for him. 

A day he dreaded. 

Feeling immense pressure on my shoulders to make this day as painless as possible I just prayed. To god. Serenity. Any angel that would listen. Give me the strength to get him through this day please. I won't ask for anything else. 

I woke up super early, and just started writing for 10 straight minutes as if a voice was whispering into my ear what to say. Stuck in autopilot. Writing someone else's words. From start to finish. No stopping. And when I finally finished I read over it and I knew it was Serenity's words for her daddy. With his permission I'm going to share it, and please don't steal it, or rip it off: 

"Happy Father’s Day, daddy

I know it’s hard to be happy on this day, but please try for me.

I know you think “how can I be a daddy without a baby?”

But don’t you see daddy, you created me.

I know you think you let me down daddy, 

But I wish you could see all the beauty I see.

I want you to know I’m doing just fine

I get to run and play.

I do miss you a lot daddy, and mommy and sissy too.

I know we never really got to meet, 

so, don’t cry when you think of me daddy.

Remember the time I kicked you in the face?

I was so excited to hear you talking to me.

I love you so much daddy.

I’ll ask Jesus to reach down and let me show you.

Every ray of sun that warms your skin, think of my hugs.

Every butterfly that crosses your path, think of my sweet kisses.

Every drop of rain, think of my love pouring down on you.

Every gust of wind, think of me sitting on your shoulder, and running around you.

So see daddy, I’m with you everywhere.

Though mostly in your heart,

And I just want you to be happy,

Even though we are apart.

I love you daddy.

With all my love,

Your sweet Serenity Layla Hope" 

So to celebrate this day for him we went and picked out some new stuff for her grave, and cleaned it up a good bit and just sat there and cried. Missing her. Trying to make sense of it still. And it was like I could feel this huge burden lift off his shoulders. 

I can say after a few trips to the store, for some beer and homemade loaded nachos. I have one spoiled, happy ish papa bear. 

Thank you to everyone who has kept us in their thoughts and prayers continually.