And I felt like I breathed an atmosphere of sorrow.

I've been thinking in depth about my entire pregnancy. 

The differences in Anna belle and Serenity. 

The similarities. 

With Anna belle I had 4 baby showers, as well as tons of hand-me-downs. So much crap I didn't know where to put it all or what to do with it. 

With Serenity, I had one baby shower, that a whopping 8 people showed up too. And no hand-me-downs at all. 

Almost as if the universe knew we wouldn't be bringing her home. 

With Anna belle I was in pregnancy bliss, glowing, and aside from the morning sickness my entire pregnancy, I always felt great. 

However, with Serenity I always felt like utter crap. Sick, aching, scared, and this unnerving feeling that something just wasn't right. 

But then with both girls, I had this peace. As scared, and unprepared as I felt I was so excited for life with baby girls. My mini mes. Pink and purple. Hair bows and ribbons. Dressing then alike. All the fun stuff we'd all be able to do. And how I actually pitied Matthew for being the only male in the household and how I promised him he could get a boy dog of his choice to even the testosterone field a little. 

And how wrong I was about all that. I wish so badly to turn the hands of time back. To go to the hospital and demand something be done because I shouldn't have been that uncomfortable, she was too big for my body. I had been told I wouldn't be able to carry a baby over 5lbs. And she was 6lbs 3oz! 

So much I wish I could change that's all out of my control. 

:( 

I just hope serenity knew how much she was loved. Even if we were nervous and scared. I hope her last minutes she wasn't scared and upset. What kind of mother doesn't know when her baby is in peril? :( I just want to hold her. Tickle those feet. Hear those cries, and giggles. See those big bright eyes, know their color.