Life's like an hourglass glued to the table.

Two babies on birth control pills aren't good odds. 

A horrible experience with an iud. 

And the doctor urging against an implant. 

The Nuvaring weirds me out. 

And the stats on patches left me facing the depo shot as my only birth control option. 

Because I was going to have my tubes tied after Serenity was born, since she passed they wouldn't do it. 

Matthew and I have since discussed having more children in the future. 

Well the depo is doing a huge number on my body, not even weight wise, I've lost almost 25lbs on it, but emtional and physical health, it's horrible. So Matthew and I are considering no longer taking it. 

And the same day. As if a cruel joke from life, I receive this email: 

😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

I'm not ready for another baby. Because I still want MY Serenity back. It's thrown me into this place I don't like being thinking about it. Why on earth would god allow us to have another child and not Serenity? And I read so many stories of infertility and child loss what if we lose another one? I could not even begin to handle that. Oh god why? 

Can I not just get through her first year of should have been milestones and my wedding before thinking of another child? The idea of conceiving in the next two months and that child being born on or around her birthday is too much to bear. 

I feel tested from every angle possible. 

It's not fair. 

I know life isn't fair. Blah blah blah. 

But I can not for the life of me understand all that is happening :(