The end of Rainbow Road

Well our sweet little rainbow baby is finally here. 

8/25 our precious Selena Marcie Faith made her much anticipated arrival. 

Our journey down rainbow road was a difficult one. We were given so many odds and obstacles. Our princess beat and exceeded every one of them. 

Near the very end, things started to go south quick. I could feel it in my body that something wasn't right, playing every scenerio through my mind. Yet the doctors were fine with carrying forward, despite everything we had already overcome. 

I started having consistent contractions on Sunday 8/23. But I knew if I went in they would surely find a way to stop it and send me back home to wait. So wait I did. All Sunday they were about 30mintues to an hour apart. 

Monday I had my final bpp, the ultrasound was picking up contractions, Selena was so far head down they couldn't see my cervix to determine if labor was active, and they were estimating her weight at 4lbs 13oz. 

So wait some more I did. 

At this point contractions were about 20-30 minutes apart. 

Tuesday morning, after a very restless night, my contractions now every 5-7 minutes apart. I started packing bags. Today was the day!! I finally convinced Matthew I was serious this time we loaded the car up and ventured off. 

At 11:15 am, I get hooked up in l&d, and my doctor waltzes in and exclaims labor was finally active. We were having a baby that day! My surgery was set for 3pm! 

So anxiously Matthew and I decided to keep it a secret, telling only our family and closest of friends. 

Around 2:45pm I am wheeled away to the operating room to get prepped for surgery. I was so scared. Not being able to hear her heartbeat constantly on the monitor, sitting on this tiny bed that resembled a crucifixion cross, and a table to the left of instruments that bared resemblance to something out of a saw movie. 

There I was strapped to this bed, getting prepped by strangers, there was the anesthesiologist behind me, a male

Nurse to my left, and female nurse to my right. When suddenly, they learned there was no blood in the hospital for me. As I have rh disease and have to have a specific type or my body would reject it. My anesthesiologist was furious. This prompted him to pull up my charts only to see all my vitals were critically low. He was even more mad. My surgery was then postponed until things were stabilized. I had so many iv bags hooked up, and shots I lost count. 

I tried shooting the breeze to calm the tension in the room, because my racing mind I was sure I was about to meet my maker and Matthew would be left to raise the children. 

The anesthesiologist asked if he could play some music, low and behold the first song on the station was the REO speed wagon song Matthew and I danced to at our wedding just 45 days prior. I knew then God and my sweet serenity had this all under control. Finally 3 hours later, after being strapped to this tiny table, prepped for surgery, with strangers, my surgery was ready to start. 

My eyes never left Matthews face, his hand never left mine. I could feel some tugging and pulling and suddenly, the sound I've never heard before. Baby cries. I lost it. My baby was finally here. Alive. A real baby. My baby. 

The doctor ordered the nurse to place her next to me. Umbilical cord still attached, covered in goop, there she was. An identical twin of her sister serenity, and daddy, was my sweet Selena. She stopped crying, and turned her face to mine and kissed my cheek. Ooo's and ahh's and happy tears burst into the room. 

And I owe it all to a careful anesthesiologist, for catching all my worst nightmares and saving my life. To the best doctor ever, for delivering and keeping a close eye on my baby's progression. And to my husband for enduring many sleepless, nagging nights. 

To my sweet angel, for her hedge of protection around her sister. 

I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.

In my deluded world I just assume everyone keeps up with my life updates. 

But they don't. So here's where I'll spill it all. 

We got a dog, letti. 

And she's the cutest furball in the history of all furballs. 

Well it really bothers me that she doesn't even recognize my belly. 

When I am around other animals, they all sniff it, lay their head on it, just all around notice that a human being is growing in there. Except for letti. 

Last night she stepped on me really hard. 

And in this crazy after child loss world. Every little thing sets off 3 am panic attacks and blowing your mom's phone up. (I wish I were exaggerating) 

I normally feel Selena moving every time I lay down. Whether it be hiccups,kicks or actual movements. 

After letti stepped on me I didn't. 

Which when I realized this. Lead to a horrible panic attack, a lb of cocoa butter, the fetal heartbeat Doppler, and blowing up my mother. 

I found her heartbeat, quickly. And not soon she was back to kicking away. 

I hate this life I am forced to live. 

I was given the blessing of pregnancy again. 

Yet it feels more like a curse. 

Is she moving too much? Will she get tangled? Is she growing right? Will she develop aniema? Will she actually come home? Will she wear all her clothes? 

The open plot behind serenity haunts me every time. Will Selena lay among serenity or Anna belle? 

It's an exhausting world. 

And I wish it was as easy as "trusting gods plan" or citing some positive mantra. 

But it's not. 

I have to forcefully tell myself all will be okay. And bring my worrisome mind back to reality, regardless of the starkness. 

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I am so ready for Selena to be born and here safely in my arms. 

Antibody D.

It sounds so ominous. 

Antibody d. 

Most people don't even know what it is. 

For me, it's a what ruined my life. 

It's what stole my baby girl. 

It's what could steal this new baby girl. 

(If you don't follow me on any other social media baby bean is, actually a girl!) 

It all starts in 2009, when I met Anna belle's father and she was conceived. 

My pregnancy with Anna belle was far from blissful. It was pure hell.

Around 24 weeks my insurance dropped me and I was forced to find a new doctor. In case you didn't know, it's near impossible. 

I was forced to get on tenncare and I finally found a doctor. However I was nearing 28 weeks. 

This place was unorganized, ghetto, overcrowded and understaffed. 

My charts got mixed with someone else's and all of my escalating health issues were going undetected. 

Somewhere around 32-34 weeks it was discovered I had a negative blood type and I got a routine rhogam shot. But this wasn't my only problem. I was only severely preeclampsic and the doctor didn't discover it yet. Not until 37 weeks when I was now fully eclampsic, staring at a monitor as my babies heart rate increased into the 200's and I started to seize. I told you, it was a nightmare. 

Well upon having Anna belle and waiting almost 4 years to have another, with a different father. My charts with Anna belle that were never completed anyways got lost. I did however get my necessary after birth rhogam. Just about the only thing the office did right. But it has since been discovered that Anna belle was right on the line for anemia, and all the warning signs were there that my blood was attacking hers. 

Then here comes serenity. It had been so long and the charts weren't there, the antibody levels were low enough to go undetected. I had the rhogam at 28 weeks when you're supposed to. However, our blood was already crossing. Serenity was extremely anaemic as well. But because I had been given the rhogam the levels were off, it wasn't until her cord wrapped and she was too weak, that we lost her. Had all this been caught she may still be here. 

But given her unexpected death, and the high emotions surrounding it. I was never given my after birth rhogam shot.

I was then fully rh sensitized. 

And for months these antibodies would be forming and plotting their havoc. 

Until there was Selena. 

As if this pregnancy wasn't emotional enough, stressful enough, I have to worry every day if my body will attack hers. 

My body. 

My body I put in the care of professionals 

Is now a full force to be reckoned with. 

:( 

And it pisses me off. 

How simple neglance 5 years ago, lead me here. The fate of my child's life dangling by a thin thread of countless doctors appointments, endless vials of blood work, tests after tests.....

So many big words slapping me in the face...

It's downright unfair. 

:(  

How did we get here?

It's been so long since I wrote.. 

Baby bean is a boy. 

Finally, I am a boy mom. 💙 

However, no sooner than we got the best news of a beautiful baby boy, we also got the devastating news about his condition. 

I have rh- blood. I knew with both girls. I got my scheduled rhogam shots. All was fine and dandy. 

Until March 2,2015. 

When I learned my blood tested positive for 4 antibodies. All which could do harm or potentially kill our son. 

I'm just days away from seeing the specialist and I'm so wrought with emotions. 

We had to cancel serenity's 5k I worked so hard on. The stress of everything going on was just too much for me. And it truly broke my heart. Instead all our loved ones and family gathered around her grave and sent her wishing lanterns. It was a beautiful day for my angel. I miss her so much. 

It's an extremely sensitive place to be at to begin with. Pregnant with new life after giving birth to death. And then to throw on the weight of the world. 

As of now, my doctors only plan is to load us with steroid shots to progress baby bean's growth faster, and deliver early. 

However, I wish that offered some sort of peace within. I'm so terrified. It's so difficult carrying on everyday wondering if this will be his last. If I'll get to meet him. 

I keep wondering how I got to this point in life. Where I turned down this road. 

It seems that everything that could go wrong, has. March 11,2014 changed my course. I never imagined it to be this tough. 

I'm not quite sure I have it in me to lose this baby too. All I want is to be the best mom to my sweet babies. 

And It was positive.

I wanted my tubes tied after serenity so bad. After she passed, they couldn't tie them. I suddenly became so paranoid about getting pregnant again. I just couldn't bear the idea of having another child. 

What if it's another girl? 

Or what if it's a boy like we originally hoped for? 

Or worse

What if it happens again. 

Surely God isn't that way? 

Matthew and I took precautions and still every month since we lost serenity I would buy a test before my expected cycle and test. Often two or three times just to be certain. 

Relieved to see it come up negative.

I never in my years of "womanhood" had gotten so excited for my monthlys. 

But I was literally so petrified of being  pregnant again that I didn't even realize how obsessed I had become. 

It wasn't until I saw how effected anna belle still was. 

It wasn't until I saw the pain in matthews eyes. 

I had to let go of this fear and self guilt for losing serenity. 

And no sooner than I let go. 

It was positive........

No two lines to guess, no pink plus to figure out....

The words were there staring me in the face "pregnant". 

I hadn't even suspected until I realized I was late. 

I cannot lie and say mentally and emotionally I've been in the best position. 

It's hard. 

Wanting a baby. Your baby. For so long

Suddenly there is a baby. But it's not YOUR baby. It's a new baby. 

A new life, a new set of hopes and dreams, a new future, new memories, new what ifs and fears.... All over again. 

I still struggle every moment of every day with serenitys abcense. How can I put myself in this position again? 

My only foundation is there is a plan and a purpose. 

Serenity has given me all the signs she's okay. I've found a new strength and purpose in life. 

I didn't think i could have room in my heart for anna belle and serenity. 

Yet I manage to love them with all of me. Even with a huge missing piece.

I only hope this baby feels the love all around. I pray every night that this is real. That we get to keep this one. 

It doesn't diminish any part of serenitys existence. I still wonder every second. 

I am mostly afraid. How can I get attached? How can I not? 

I always wonder if serenity is proud of Matthew and I as parents. And I got my answer. 

A big freaking positive. 

She wants us to have a second chance. 

I only hope I am strong enough for this new one. 

I hope I am strong enough for all my babies. 

I cannot believe I ever thought I didn't want to be a mother. When it's my sole purpose now. 

I love you anna belle grace, serenity Layla hope, and baby bean. - mommie. 

💜💜💜💜💜💜 

Please come home for Christmas....

Christmas. 

It's supposed to be such a joyous time. 

Surrounded by family and friends. 

Exchanging of heartfelt gifts for each other. 

Food made with time and love to nourish all. 

And for whatever religion you practice, just an all around reflective time on the last year, those you love, the hard times you endure, and the happy times you celebrated. 

But for the family with the empty chair? 

It's a deafening emptiness. The kind that even in the fullest of rooms, booms. 

I think of your first Christmas in existence. 

It was a joyous one. 

Anna belle got lots of goodies from Santa! 

He even got you a cute headband and matching shoes!! 

Your cousin Lydia was finally cleared from the hospital and was ready for family lovings. 

Everything was seemingly perfect. 

If only I had known, in 76 days all that perfectness would be ripped away. 

You would be buried in your headband from Santa. You would never get to wear those cute matching shoes. You would never get to tear open wrapping paper. Be more interested in the boxes than your gifts. 

Your abscense is almost like a shadowy entity. I see it. I feel it. I am always aware of it. Yet there's nothing I can do to make it go away, To cover it up, Anything.

Yet in the same sense I think of all you do get to experience on this holiday! 

In my mind, it's a feast! Surrounded by only the best. With all your tiny hearts desires. 

While it's hell here on earth, I know you're growing up with the best beyond my wildest dreams! 

But even that tiny bit of comfort doesn't ease the pain of missing you sweet angel. 

Why is my reflection someone, I don't know.

Before : 

This is me before. I've always thought of myself as pretty, nothing spectacular. Just a fortunate face with a hard earned body. Add in the tan and long hair and wahla. That was me. I never really struggled with my body image. Because I always considered the source of the negativity. That was all before. 

Now : 

I still have that simply pretty face, and a remarkably nice body given I've now had two children. But I can't see it that way. 

I look in the mirror and see this skeleton of a person staring back. I see the bags from lack of sleep. I see the stress lines. I see this body that failed me. A walking crime scene. It's so hard to be happy or find joy when I carry the murder weapon and scene of the crime with me every nanosecond of every day. 

How can I be happy if I truly hate the body I have to live in??

My depression has been worse for the holidays lately. I pray my sweet family makes it through this huge slump. 

We sure are feeling the depths of the hole you left when you slipped away. 

Forever missing you my sweet diva. 

A not so holly jolly Christmas.

The holidays have snuck up on my faster than your 8 monthaversary tomorrow. 

We put up the Christmas decorations last week in an effort to raise our broken spirits. 

I feel your memory slipping from the world despite my every attempt to keep it alive and thriving. 

But how can people remember you, if they never met you? 

I see all these stories going global but why hasn't yours? 

In all honesty, 

I wouldn't care if anyone else ever spoke your name because to me you're still alive and well. As long as my heartbeats, yours will too. 

It's so hard for me to be happy these days. 

Thinking of thanksgiving. 

Literally tears me apart from the inside out. 

I should be thankful to sit surrounded by loved ones with more food than we need. 

But I can only focus on that one empty seat. 

How it should be filled with you sitting there eating turkey, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, while grammie sneaks you sips of sweet tea. 

Instead I'll be sitting there deafened by my own demons of your passing. 

I never understood what it truly meant to feel alone in a crowded room until you passed. 

Now I constantly feel alone. 

Yearning for you to be in my arms. 

Day dreaming of what the moment would be like with you there. 

I imagine you around the tree tearing open presents of stuff you don't care about just excited from all the comotion. 

And it overwhelms me. 

I can't take a lifetime of this agony. 

I just need you here with me. 

Mommie misses you so very much my sweet serenity layla hope 💜 

"What's in a name? that which we call a rose/ By any other name would smell as sweet".

If you have children, then you are aware of how difficult it is to name them. 

Matthew and I went threw thousands of baby names, books after books, website after website, app after app, literally lists upon lists upon lists.... Nothing stuck. 

So I just tossed in the towel and agreed he could chose her first name and I would the middle names. 

On a random Sunday night, one year ago I get this simple text. 

Let's name her serenity. 

SERENITY?! 

I have to admit I didn't like it at all. 

But he was stuck on it. 

So I repeated her entire name to myself over and over for a few days. 

Serenity Layla hope, 

Serenity Layla hope,

Serenity Layla hope,

I wasn't keen on it. But it was flowy and different. 

The more I said it and told people the more I loved it. 

I googled what her entire name meant,

Serenity means calm

Layla means night 

Hope means a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

For three plus years it had been just me

And anna belle against the world. I had no idea how I was going to handle mom life of two divas. Being completely in control of two lives when I still barely had a grip on mine. It was overwhelming to say the least. But she was my little hope. Just as her sister anna belle had been my saving grace. 

In serenity's passing someone forwarded me the serenity prayer. Everyone knows it. But very few know there's more to it. 

God, grant me the Serenity

To accept the things I cannot change...

Courage to change the things I can,

And Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His will.

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.

Serenity's name suddenly took on a new meaning and life for me. Being far from the religious. And most days teetering on the edge of if there even was a god. I am learning to fully trust this plan for my life and this journey I've been thrust into. In reading the entire serenity prayer it was clear to me that she was sent to me to open my eyes, to open the world's eyes. I always said one of my goals was to change the world. And via serenity's short life I now have the power to change a large portion of it. I still miss her beyond words and still have this overwhelming ache in my chest but the pain and weight of the grief has lessened. 

Thank you to all who follow, and will follow me and my sweet family through this journey. 

October 8th.....

Tomorrow marks a very difficult four year angelversary of one very loved and missed angel. 

Jamie Lynn Norman. 

To catch my readers up, Jamie battled cystic fibrosis for 25 years. She beat so many odds and obstacles. She was the most fun, loving, and free spirited person I ever met. 

90% of the time I knew Jamie I could never actually tell she was ill and suffering. 

Her family learned shortly after her birth of her condition, which has no cure. 

Cystic fibrosis is a terrible battle to watch. 

All the while knowing at any point you could watch your loved one slip away, while holding on the the hope that they've made it this far. 

Jamie was very sick when I had anna belle. She did get to meet her once. And it is still one of my most treasured memories. I know without a shadow of doubt the day my precious serenity entered into heaven Jamie was the very first one there to greet her. I can only imagine how wonderful it is there, especially with those two. 

I learned so much about life through watching Jamie live hers and I learned an even greater deal in her death. 

Even now, I have this great appreciation for things I learned because of simply knowing her. 

So I ask all of my blog readers and followers. Please pray and send good vibes to her daughter, family, friends, and all those she touched with her precious life. 💜 

Here is Jamie with little 3 week old anna belle. :) 

I wear this pain like a heavy coat...

Reality hits me like a ton of bricks over and over daily. 

I get sad, and I feel guilty because i know deep down serenity would want her Mommie happy. 

I get happy, and feel guilty for being happy. As if there is a sense of happiness to be found amidst this endless deluge of grief. 

So many pregnancies on my facebook.

Not that I'm not happy for them. 

But I am so jealous. 

Why do they get their child, more than one? 

And I don't get to keep my daughter. 

More less why didn't I get any answers? 

Why isn't she here? She was perfect from head to toe, inside and out, fully baked. 

So where is she? Why isn't she in my empty, longing arms? 

It's so hard to face the reality that I have given birth to death, and buried a child.

Witnessing all the things I am missing out on. Visiting a grave instead of a cradle. 

I'm trying so hard to bring light to her life, that is so quickly shoved to the shadows. In 165 short days, she'll be one. She's almost been gone more days than she was here. And I'm not ready to let go. 

I just want to wake up from this endless nightmare. 

I'm having a very rough night and been in a really rough patch in my journey lately. 

I pray you'll guide us through my sassy diva! 

Until then, here's me and my girls at my mama steph's wedding. 💜💜 

Death before life..

I read something on the Internet once about the birthdate and the death date, about how people always signifiy those two dates with such meaning when it's the dash in between that is their whole lifespan. 

Serenity doesn't have a dash. 

And if she did hers would read (birthday to death date): march 11,2014 - march 8, 2014. 

She was gone for 3 days before my world was shattered. 

In your mind I know you're already thinking "how could she not know"? 

Serenity's feet were stuck in my ribcage, if you've seen the photo of her feet you'll notice they crook up, so her body moved every single time my body did. She was so big for my little frame I had figured she didn't have any room left and her feet were in fact stuck in my ribs. 

So back to my original point. Serenity's dash. She didn't get a life. Not one that a dash could represent. And it's such a hard reality to face. 

So days I am having to painfully remind myself she did in fact exist. She was here. She was real. And she died. Unfairly. For no medical reason at all. 

Other days I still feel miserably pregnant with her. I can feel those long skinny feet thrust into my ribs. I can feel those level jabs or the hip headbutts. 

I have successfully launched Serenity's footsteps in her honor. Our first round of shirts, a whopping 72, are now around the world fulfilling a bucket list of things she never will get to accomplish in this world. And I am so beyond humbled, blessed, and grateful for everyone who is aiding in her journey! 

We filed for the official 5k city permits, and a nonprofit organization tax id! 

But still, that's not Serenity's living legacy. 

Because Serenity didn't get to live her life. 

I think I'll forever wonder the whys and the what ifs. I don't think in my lifetime I'll ever get a reasoning in this grand master plan. Nor do I think time will heal all. 

And I can say time has made things easier to deal with. But I wonder if that's my mind and heart protecting itself from completely losing it. Because times like this, when I'm so overwhelmed and I feel lead to share my ramblings, nothing feels easier at all. Like it just happened yesterday. 

She's nearing her 6 month angelversary. And boy is it hitting me HARD. I just miss her so much. I miss what I'm not experiencing as a mother with her. I hate all this unknown. The should have, would have, could haves. 

 

I'm trying so hard to let go of my grief, little by little. Because it's a vicious monster. An ever changing parasite. And if I don't watch out it completely consumes me. 

I only hope I am making Serenity proud. Making her dash all she hopes it would be. How do you continue someone's life they never lived? 

I hope each painful, and heart wrenching post, memory, trial, tribulation, brings me one step closer to breaking the silence that is stillbirth. I hope that were one step closer to reducing the amount of stillbirths. Offering explanations. Ways to help. I just have to focus all this grief into something positive. 

And in case you haven't seen it: here's her cutesy little feet! 

I sure miss those kickers! 

Mommie loves you with everything I have left my Serenity Layla hope 💜 

How to say "I am sorry" to a grieving parent.

A loss no one can fathom. 

A pain so crippling, your world literally comes to a screeching halt. 

So mind numbing... Phsyically numbing. The only thing you feel is this constant stabbing where your heart is aching in your chest. It's hard to breathe. Your mind this sudden whirlwind trying to process the events.... 

I remember sitting in the hospital and everyone was telling me "I'm so sorry for your loss" "I can't imagine how you feel right now" "everything happens for a reason" "god just needed another angel" "at least you still have Anna belle" and someone even told Matthew "at least you don't have to pay child support now bro" 

Naturally when a child dies, before their life ever actually began it's confusing. Even the most seasoned doctors and nurses are lifted stumped in their tracks. 

I know. I sat with my ob, and nurses and cried and cried with no words spoken many, many times. 

I never for once have ever wished anyone to feel any empathy for me. I never wish anyone to feel this pain that courses through my body. Almost as if my blood has been replaced with grief, and it's becoming me. 

And for what reason, what cause of the greater good could it be served that my daughters heart stopped beating? 

Also, there's literally over 6.8 billion people in the world, and god had to call my unborn daughter first? He couldn't even let me say hi? Instead I'm left with so many unanswered questions and gaps and who she would have been and what if's? 

And I feel I can speak on Matthew's behalf that he would shell out millions if that meant his baby girl was back in his arms. Child support. Ha. The last of his fatherly worries. 

So here my point. A simple: I'm sorry, I'll be praying for you. Or you're in my thoughts, surely will suffice. While I know no one meant any harm, it didn't stop it from feeling like salt in my open wound. And how do you tell them? Do you spare their feelings when you feel you have none left but negative and sorrow? 

I have met so many people standing in my very shoes and yet no one has ever congratulated them on making a child so beautiful and perfect they got a first class ticket to heaven. I am not sorry for Serenity's life. She's touched more people than I ever dreamed. I am a proud mommie of two. A proud angel mom. My children are my life. Even in their death. 

So I'll leave you with this:  

A life is a life, no matter how small.

March 11, 2014. 

There's still so much to that day that I can barely remember. That hurts to remember. That I have completely forgotten and that I won't ever forget. 

Anna belle had gone to visit my brother Devin who was out on spring break that Monday night. I couldn't get comfortable and I just had this nagging feeling something wasn't right. But my mom and Matthew kept calming me down. 

The next day Matt went to work and I kept trying to get comfortable and I finally texted Brittany (Travis) Mears and Jessie (Daffern) Clark "I think today is the day!" And we all chatted about how we were excited, my labor, and all that. 

Unknowing the fate I was about to face. 

I posted on Facebook what happened before I even knew what happened because somehow a family member trying to help had my name added to a prayer chain and people were already asking questions so I wanted everyone to know directly from me. And boy did that start a whole new can of worms. 

Today I was clearing all the clutter out of my Facebook and deleting old messages when I came across the slew of messages from people during that time. 

Some sincerely heartfelt messages, some where people just wanted to say something, anything, just to see my response. 

And I remember a few of them made me so enraged. People telling me they knew how I felt because of a miscarriage. 

Like how dare they demean my fully grown, expected child to an unknown blob. 

How wrong I was. And how I regret that thinking fully. 

Sure most will tell you a stillbirth loss is much greater than a miscarriage. But tell that to the woman struggling with infertility. Tell that to the woman yearning so badly for children yet her body keeps rejecting them before she even gets to know them. 

I am blessed beyond measure to have known Serenity. 269 days with her in my womb. And 104 hours with her earthly body. Far more time than most miscarriage mommies get. 

In my eyes a loss is a loss. You lose more than just a life. You lose all your hopes and dreams for the future. You lose faith in yourself. You lose your sanity. You lose your sense of womanhood. You basically lose everything. 

And frankly, it's just not fair. 

I feel like Serenity's life is already being forgotten. People don't look at her pictures anymore because they've already seen them. They don't like her post anymore because they're like broken records. But for me, that's my life. That's all I have of my daughter. I don't get to see how she'd grow up and look. I don't get silly stories of her pooping on me, spitting her baby food, or the exciting crawling, walking milestones. 

I get empty arms, heartache, a decorated grave, the same 35 pictures, endless grief.  

I feel like I am expected to move on eventually. For my pain to lessen. But that's just not the case :( 

I lost so much more than just my daughter that day. I lost a piece of myself. 

Rock-A-Bye Baby...

So my favorite color before Serenity was purple. 

Finding out about baby girl number two I decided on the proverbial big sister pink and little sister purple color schemes. 

I literally threw a fit that I am now not proud of for this precious pack n play. 

It was so perfect, it literally took me 3 hours of cussing, screaming, and pouting before Matthew effortlessly helped me with what I had struggled with. 

I took it down only 3 weeks after learning you would never sleep in it. 

I couldn't handle seeing the bed without you in it. Having Anna belle walk up to it and tell me how much she missed you. And asked when you were coming home from heaven. 

It's now been 131 days without you. 

I still can't look at your stuff. I still choke up at your name, thought, memory, everything I am missing out on. 

It still feels like an insanely cruel joke. 

I knew life was unfair, oh trust me I knew it. Burying countless friend, after friend from car wrecks, suicide, overdose, accidents, motorcycle crashes, you name it. All good people. People I miss daily. People who didn't deserve to die. People I could off the top of my head easily name 5 replacements for the world would never miss. 

And then I lost you. 

I didn't know it was possible to have your whole world stop, your heart shatter, and you still keep on living. 

But here I am. Surviving. Some how. Some way. 131 days longer than I ever thought possible. 

Matthew said today he never thought we'd break up over your loss. Because it in fact pushed us closer than we had ever been. But for awhile I was dead. Motionless. Just coasting along through the motions. I'm improving. Or at least I hope I am. 

And I feel my bond with Serenity growing stronger and stronger. 

But I keep having this reoccurring nightmare. 

Matthew and I are visiting Serenity's grave. And we start to hear these distant baby cries. we realize they're coming from her grave so we start digging without second thought. The more we dig the closer the cries are but we never actually find her casket. We just keep digging and digging and the cries keep getting louder and louder. Almost deafing and she's still never there. 

It's pretty crippling. 

I lay there for a few minutes trying to compose. 

I never knew her cry. 

I knew Anna belles cry the first second I heard it and I can still identify it in a crowd. 

And I think about the bassinet I threw a for Serenity to sleep in. 

All the stuff I struggled to get for her. 

How eager I had suddenly became for her arrival and life with two divas. 

And how I am left with these two images as the last for my daughter: 

💔💔💔💔💜💜💜💜💜 

Missing you so deeply tonight my angel. 

I can't really remember where I was going with this. So I'll just stop now. I love you more than these words and all words. 

There is nobody more youer than you...

But who am I exactly? 

I am Jessica. 

Jessica wall? Not as of 2003. 

Legally Jessica Linville. 

But who is that? 

I am 23. 

I am a mother to Anna belle. 

I am an angel mom to Serenity. 

I am in love with Matthew. 

My favorite color is purple. 

I work at subway. 

I am trying to get back into school. 

I have a future planned in my head. 

It involves a house. Me driving. A career. My dream wedding. Serenity's 5k. 

But what else am I? 

That's all I feel. 

And most days it's a struggle to be that much. 

I'm empty. Scared. Confused. Angry. Sad. 

I try so hard to be the old Jess before march 11. 

The Jess that dressed up and did her hair for no reason. 

The Jess that worked out every day. Some times several times in one day. 

The Jess that laughed. 

The Jess that could face whatever life through her way. 

But now I'm the Jess that's afraid of everything. 

Including my closet. We put all of Serenity's things in there. So I avoid it like the plague. 

I cried so hard seeing her car seat today. Imaging how she would have looked in it. How big shed be now. If she would be chewing on her elephants. 

It's so unfair. I try to rationalize it. And I end up just as empty as my arms. 

The only answer I have for myself is I, Jessica Danielle Wall-Linville soon to be Irby. Died march 11,2014 at 2pm and was reborn March 11,2014 at 4:02pm. 

And I am a new person trying to figure this new world out. 

I'm just jealous of the angels <3

I have so many thoughts running through my head at the moment. So bear with me. We're nearing 4 months since the best and worst day in all of existence. 

I've been thinking so much of the last day I laid eyes on my Serenity. Matthew and I wrote her letters, as well as our parents, siblings and close loved ones, and placed them under her pillow in her casket. I have this image of her in my head with this stack full of letters climbing up to a bigger angels lap and having her read them to her. No one else read each other's letters. I often wonder what everyone said to her. Their hopes, and dreams for her, their love, how much they'd miss her, how unfair this cruel world is, just something else I guess I torment myself wondering. 

I also have to sit and watch everyone have these beautiful babies, empty handed. I've never heard so many girls complain about their stretch marks before. And I'm over here longing for them. Wishing I had something visible to show the world that my body has not only held the 5lb 5oz beauty that is my Anna Belle Grace but also the 6lb 3oz angel that is my Serenity Layla Hope. I find myself missing that big ole uncomfortable belly. 

♥ ”There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all its dreadfulness, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme. If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms.” -Charlotte Bronte

Missing you more than ever my sweet angel :( 

Every great dream begins with a dreamer..

You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one. Okay cheap shot at a quote lol. 

But fa real. 

Since losing Serenity I've had this incessant need to memorialize her. To keep her memory alive in everyone aside from my family. 

I found out today that people that I'm not friends with on Facebook, Instagram, or twitter read this very blog. Humbling and grateful. 

My vision, or dream, for Serenity's birthday march 11, 2015 I want to host a 5k. I originally wanted to raise money for still birth awareness. However after joining an amazing support group, SOBBS, I learned of these: 

Cuddle Cotts

The idea opposite if a billy blanket. To keep the deceased child cold so the family can spend precious moments often lost to chill them so they don't change. If you've never lost a loved one in this sense you will never truly know the value of "cooler minutes". Giving a family all the time to take photos, make memories, is something beyond me and Serenity. I can't even explain into words what it would mean. I hope to make this dream a reality and I hope each and every one of you can help me! I'll definitely keep everyone posted in this new journey. 

Also those following who don't see my Facebook, the govenor himself emailed me back in regards to her a birth certificate. We will be getting a state id number as well as a birth and death certificate. I am moved beyond words to have these things. You never know what something so simple means when suddenly it's denied to you. 

Love you my angel. 

Life's like an hourglass glued to the table.

Two babies on birth control pills aren't good odds. 

A horrible experience with an iud. 

And the doctor urging against an implant. 

The Nuvaring weirds me out. 

And the stats on patches left me facing the depo shot as my only birth control option. 

Because I was going to have my tubes tied after Serenity was born, since she passed they wouldn't do it. 

Matthew and I have since discussed having more children in the future. 

Well the depo is doing a huge number on my body, not even weight wise, I've lost almost 25lbs on it, but emtional and physical health, it's horrible. So Matthew and I are considering no longer taking it. 

And the same day. As if a cruel joke from life, I receive this email: 

😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

I'm not ready for another baby. Because I still want MY Serenity back. It's thrown me into this place I don't like being thinking about it. Why on earth would god allow us to have another child and not Serenity? And I read so many stories of infertility and child loss what if we lose another one? I could not even begin to handle that. Oh god why? 

Can I not just get through her first year of should have been milestones and my wedding before thinking of another child? The idea of conceiving in the next two months and that child being born on or around her birthday is too much to bear. 

I feel tested from every angle possible. 

It's not fair. 

I know life isn't fair. Blah blah blah. 

But I can not for the life of me understand all that is happening :( 

And I felt like I breathed an atmosphere of sorrow.

I've been thinking in depth about my entire pregnancy. 

The differences in Anna belle and Serenity. 

The similarities. 

With Anna belle I had 4 baby showers, as well as tons of hand-me-downs. So much crap I didn't know where to put it all or what to do with it. 

With Serenity, I had one baby shower, that a whopping 8 people showed up too. And no hand-me-downs at all. 

Almost as if the universe knew we wouldn't be bringing her home. 

With Anna belle I was in pregnancy bliss, glowing, and aside from the morning sickness my entire pregnancy, I always felt great. 

However, with Serenity I always felt like utter crap. Sick, aching, scared, and this unnerving feeling that something just wasn't right. 

But then with both girls, I had this peace. As scared, and unprepared as I felt I was so excited for life with baby girls. My mini mes. Pink and purple. Hair bows and ribbons. Dressing then alike. All the fun stuff we'd all be able to do. And how I actually pitied Matthew for being the only male in the household and how I promised him he could get a boy dog of his choice to even the testosterone field a little. 

And how wrong I was about all that. I wish so badly to turn the hands of time back. To go to the hospital and demand something be done because I shouldn't have been that uncomfortable, she was too big for my body. I had been told I wouldn't be able to carry a baby over 5lbs. And she was 6lbs 3oz! 

So much I wish I could change that's all out of my control. 

:( 

I just hope serenity knew how much she was loved. Even if we were nervous and scared. I hope her last minutes she wasn't scared and upset. What kind of mother doesn't know when her baby is in peril? :( I just want to hold her. Tickle those feet. Hear those cries, and giggles. See those big bright eyes, know their color.