Please come home for Christmas....

Christmas. 

It's supposed to be such a joyous time. 

Surrounded by family and friends. 

Exchanging of heartfelt gifts for each other. 

Food made with time and love to nourish all. 

And for whatever religion you practice, just an all around reflective time on the last year, those you love, the hard times you endure, and the happy times you celebrated. 

But for the family with the empty chair? 

It's a deafening emptiness. The kind that even in the fullest of rooms, booms. 

I think of your first Christmas in existence. 

It was a joyous one. 

Anna belle got lots of goodies from Santa! 

He even got you a cute headband and matching shoes!! 

Your cousin Lydia was finally cleared from the hospital and was ready for family lovings. 

Everything was seemingly perfect. 

If only I had known, in 76 days all that perfectness would be ripped away. 

You would be buried in your headband from Santa. You would never get to wear those cute matching shoes. You would never get to tear open wrapping paper. Be more interested in the boxes than your gifts. 

Your abscense is almost like a shadowy entity. I see it. I feel it. I am always aware of it. Yet there's nothing I can do to make it go away, To cover it up, Anything.

Yet in the same sense I think of all you do get to experience on this holiday! 

In my mind, it's a feast! Surrounded by only the best. With all your tiny hearts desires. 

While it's hell here on earth, I know you're growing up with the best beyond my wildest dreams! 

But even that tiny bit of comfort doesn't ease the pain of missing you sweet angel. 

Why is my reflection someone, I don't know.

Before : 

This is me before. I've always thought of myself as pretty, nothing spectacular. Just a fortunate face with a hard earned body. Add in the tan and long hair and wahla. That was me. I never really struggled with my body image. Because I always considered the source of the negativity. That was all before. 

Now : 

I still have that simply pretty face, and a remarkably nice body given I've now had two children. But I can't see it that way. 

I look in the mirror and see this skeleton of a person staring back. I see the bags from lack of sleep. I see the stress lines. I see this body that failed me. A walking crime scene. It's so hard to be happy or find joy when I carry the murder weapon and scene of the crime with me every nanosecond of every day. 

How can I be happy if I truly hate the body I have to live in??

My depression has been worse for the holidays lately. I pray my sweet family makes it through this huge slump. 

We sure are feeling the depths of the hole you left when you slipped away. 

Forever missing you my sweet diva. 

A not so holly jolly Christmas.

The holidays have snuck up on my faster than your 8 monthaversary tomorrow. 

We put up the Christmas decorations last week in an effort to raise our broken spirits. 

I feel your memory slipping from the world despite my every attempt to keep it alive and thriving. 

But how can people remember you, if they never met you? 

I see all these stories going global but why hasn't yours? 

In all honesty, 

I wouldn't care if anyone else ever spoke your name because to me you're still alive and well. As long as my heartbeats, yours will too. 

It's so hard for me to be happy these days. 

Thinking of thanksgiving. 

Literally tears me apart from the inside out. 

I should be thankful to sit surrounded by loved ones with more food than we need. 

But I can only focus on that one empty seat. 

How it should be filled with you sitting there eating turkey, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, while grammie sneaks you sips of sweet tea. 

Instead I'll be sitting there deafened by my own demons of your passing. 

I never understood what it truly meant to feel alone in a crowded room until you passed. 

Now I constantly feel alone. 

Yearning for you to be in my arms. 

Day dreaming of what the moment would be like with you there. 

I imagine you around the tree tearing open presents of stuff you don't care about just excited from all the comotion. 

And it overwhelms me. 

I can't take a lifetime of this agony. 

I just need you here with me. 

Mommie misses you so very much my sweet serenity layla hope 💜 

"What's in a name? that which we call a rose/ By any other name would smell as sweet".

If you have children, then you are aware of how difficult it is to name them. 

Matthew and I went threw thousands of baby names, books after books, website after website, app after app, literally lists upon lists upon lists.... Nothing stuck. 

So I just tossed in the towel and agreed he could chose her first name and I would the middle names. 

On a random Sunday night, one year ago I get this simple text. 

Let's name her serenity. 

SERENITY?! 

I have to admit I didn't like it at all. 

But he was stuck on it. 

So I repeated her entire name to myself over and over for a few days. 

Serenity Layla hope, 

Serenity Layla hope,

Serenity Layla hope,

I wasn't keen on it. But it was flowy and different. 

The more I said it and told people the more I loved it. 

I googled what her entire name meant,

Serenity means calm

Layla means night 

Hope means a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

For three plus years it had been just me

And anna belle against the world. I had no idea how I was going to handle mom life of two divas. Being completely in control of two lives when I still barely had a grip on mine. It was overwhelming to say the least. But she was my little hope. Just as her sister anna belle had been my saving grace. 

In serenity's passing someone forwarded me the serenity prayer. Everyone knows it. But very few know there's more to it. 

God, grant me the Serenity

To accept the things I cannot change...

Courage to change the things I can,

And Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His will.

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.

Serenity's name suddenly took on a new meaning and life for me. Being far from the religious. And most days teetering on the edge of if there even was a god. I am learning to fully trust this plan for my life and this journey I've been thrust into. In reading the entire serenity prayer it was clear to me that she was sent to me to open my eyes, to open the world's eyes. I always said one of my goals was to change the world. And via serenity's short life I now have the power to change a large portion of it. I still miss her beyond words and still have this overwhelming ache in my chest but the pain and weight of the grief has lessened. 

Thank you to all who follow, and will follow me and my sweet family through this journey. 

October 8th.....

Tomorrow marks a very difficult four year angelversary of one very loved and missed angel. 

Jamie Lynn Norman. 

To catch my readers up, Jamie battled cystic fibrosis for 25 years. She beat so many odds and obstacles. She was the most fun, loving, and free spirited person I ever met. 

90% of the time I knew Jamie I could never actually tell she was ill and suffering. 

Her family learned shortly after her birth of her condition, which has no cure. 

Cystic fibrosis is a terrible battle to watch. 

All the while knowing at any point you could watch your loved one slip away, while holding on the the hope that they've made it this far. 

Jamie was very sick when I had anna belle. She did get to meet her once. And it is still one of my most treasured memories. I know without a shadow of doubt the day my precious serenity entered into heaven Jamie was the very first one there to greet her. I can only imagine how wonderful it is there, especially with those two. 

I learned so much about life through watching Jamie live hers and I learned an even greater deal in her death. 

Even now, I have this great appreciation for things I learned because of simply knowing her. 

So I ask all of my blog readers and followers. Please pray and send good vibes to her daughter, family, friends, and all those she touched with her precious life. 💜 

Here is Jamie with little 3 week old anna belle. :) 

I wear this pain like a heavy coat...

Reality hits me like a ton of bricks over and over daily. 

I get sad, and I feel guilty because i know deep down serenity would want her Mommie happy. 

I get happy, and feel guilty for being happy. As if there is a sense of happiness to be found amidst this endless deluge of grief. 

So many pregnancies on my facebook.

Not that I'm not happy for them. 

But I am so jealous. 

Why do they get their child, more than one? 

And I don't get to keep my daughter. 

More less why didn't I get any answers? 

Why isn't she here? She was perfect from head to toe, inside and out, fully baked. 

So where is she? Why isn't she in my empty, longing arms? 

It's so hard to face the reality that I have given birth to death, and buried a child.

Witnessing all the things I am missing out on. Visiting a grave instead of a cradle. 

I'm trying so hard to bring light to her life, that is so quickly shoved to the shadows. In 165 short days, she'll be one. She's almost been gone more days than she was here. And I'm not ready to let go. 

I just want to wake up from this endless nightmare. 

I'm having a very rough night and been in a really rough patch in my journey lately. 

I pray you'll guide us through my sassy diva! 

Until then, here's me and my girls at my mama steph's wedding. 💜💜 

Death before life..

I read something on the Internet once about the birthdate and the death date, about how people always signifiy those two dates with such meaning when it's the dash in between that is their whole lifespan. 

Serenity doesn't have a dash. 

And if she did hers would read (birthday to death date): march 11,2014 - march 8, 2014. 

She was gone for 3 days before my world was shattered. 

In your mind I know you're already thinking "how could she not know"? 

Serenity's feet were stuck in my ribcage, if you've seen the photo of her feet you'll notice they crook up, so her body moved every single time my body did. She was so big for my little frame I had figured she didn't have any room left and her feet were in fact stuck in my ribs. 

So back to my original point. Serenity's dash. She didn't get a life. Not one that a dash could represent. And it's such a hard reality to face. 

So days I am having to painfully remind myself she did in fact exist. She was here. She was real. And she died. Unfairly. For no medical reason at all. 

Other days I still feel miserably pregnant with her. I can feel those long skinny feet thrust into my ribs. I can feel those level jabs or the hip headbutts. 

I have successfully launched Serenity's footsteps in her honor. Our first round of shirts, a whopping 72, are now around the world fulfilling a bucket list of things she never will get to accomplish in this world. And I am so beyond humbled, blessed, and grateful for everyone who is aiding in her journey! 

We filed for the official 5k city permits, and a nonprofit organization tax id! 

But still, that's not Serenity's living legacy. 

Because Serenity didn't get to live her life. 

I think I'll forever wonder the whys and the what ifs. I don't think in my lifetime I'll ever get a reasoning in this grand master plan. Nor do I think time will heal all. 

And I can say time has made things easier to deal with. But I wonder if that's my mind and heart protecting itself from completely losing it. Because times like this, when I'm so overwhelmed and I feel lead to share my ramblings, nothing feels easier at all. Like it just happened yesterday. 

She's nearing her 6 month angelversary. And boy is it hitting me HARD. I just miss her so much. I miss what I'm not experiencing as a mother with her. I hate all this unknown. The should have, would have, could haves. 

 

I'm trying so hard to let go of my grief, little by little. Because it's a vicious monster. An ever changing parasite. And if I don't watch out it completely consumes me. 

I only hope I am making Serenity proud. Making her dash all she hopes it would be. How do you continue someone's life they never lived? 

I hope each painful, and heart wrenching post, memory, trial, tribulation, brings me one step closer to breaking the silence that is stillbirth. I hope that were one step closer to reducing the amount of stillbirths. Offering explanations. Ways to help. I just have to focus all this grief into something positive. 

And in case you haven't seen it: here's her cutesy little feet! 

I sure miss those kickers! 

Mommie loves you with everything I have left my Serenity Layla hope 💜 

How to say "I am sorry" to a grieving parent.

A loss no one can fathom. 

A pain so crippling, your world literally comes to a screeching halt. 

So mind numbing... Phsyically numbing. The only thing you feel is this constant stabbing where your heart is aching in your chest. It's hard to breathe. Your mind this sudden whirlwind trying to process the events.... 

I remember sitting in the hospital and everyone was telling me "I'm so sorry for your loss" "I can't imagine how you feel right now" "everything happens for a reason" "god just needed another angel" "at least you still have Anna belle" and someone even told Matthew "at least you don't have to pay child support now bro" 

Naturally when a child dies, before their life ever actually began it's confusing. Even the most seasoned doctors and nurses are lifted stumped in their tracks. 

I know. I sat with my ob, and nurses and cried and cried with no words spoken many, many times. 

I never for once have ever wished anyone to feel any empathy for me. I never wish anyone to feel this pain that courses through my body. Almost as if my blood has been replaced with grief, and it's becoming me. 

And for what reason, what cause of the greater good could it be served that my daughters heart stopped beating? 

Also, there's literally over 6.8 billion people in the world, and god had to call my unborn daughter first? He couldn't even let me say hi? Instead I'm left with so many unanswered questions and gaps and who she would have been and what if's? 

And I feel I can speak on Matthew's behalf that he would shell out millions if that meant his baby girl was back in his arms. Child support. Ha. The last of his fatherly worries. 

So here my point. A simple: I'm sorry, I'll be praying for you. Or you're in my thoughts, surely will suffice. While I know no one meant any harm, it didn't stop it from feeling like salt in my open wound. And how do you tell them? Do you spare their feelings when you feel you have none left but negative and sorrow? 

I have met so many people standing in my very shoes and yet no one has ever congratulated them on making a child so beautiful and perfect they got a first class ticket to heaven. I am not sorry for Serenity's life. She's touched more people than I ever dreamed. I am a proud mommie of two. A proud angel mom. My children are my life. Even in their death. 

So I'll leave you with this:  

A life is a life, no matter how small.

March 11, 2014. 

There's still so much to that day that I can barely remember. That hurts to remember. That I have completely forgotten and that I won't ever forget. 

Anna belle had gone to visit my brother Devin who was out on spring break that Monday night. I couldn't get comfortable and I just had this nagging feeling something wasn't right. But my mom and Matthew kept calming me down. 

The next day Matt went to work and I kept trying to get comfortable and I finally texted Brittany (Travis) Mears and Jessie (Daffern) Clark "I think today is the day!" And we all chatted about how we were excited, my labor, and all that. 

Unknowing the fate I was about to face. 

I posted on Facebook what happened before I even knew what happened because somehow a family member trying to help had my name added to a prayer chain and people were already asking questions so I wanted everyone to know directly from me. And boy did that start a whole new can of worms. 

Today I was clearing all the clutter out of my Facebook and deleting old messages when I came across the slew of messages from people during that time. 

Some sincerely heartfelt messages, some where people just wanted to say something, anything, just to see my response. 

And I remember a few of them made me so enraged. People telling me they knew how I felt because of a miscarriage. 

Like how dare they demean my fully grown, expected child to an unknown blob. 

How wrong I was. And how I regret that thinking fully. 

Sure most will tell you a stillbirth loss is much greater than a miscarriage. But tell that to the woman struggling with infertility. Tell that to the woman yearning so badly for children yet her body keeps rejecting them before she even gets to know them. 

I am blessed beyond measure to have known Serenity. 269 days with her in my womb. And 104 hours with her earthly body. Far more time than most miscarriage mommies get. 

In my eyes a loss is a loss. You lose more than just a life. You lose all your hopes and dreams for the future. You lose faith in yourself. You lose your sanity. You lose your sense of womanhood. You basically lose everything. 

And frankly, it's just not fair. 

I feel like Serenity's life is already being forgotten. People don't look at her pictures anymore because they've already seen them. They don't like her post anymore because they're like broken records. But for me, that's my life. That's all I have of my daughter. I don't get to see how she'd grow up and look. I don't get silly stories of her pooping on me, spitting her baby food, or the exciting crawling, walking milestones. 

I get empty arms, heartache, a decorated grave, the same 35 pictures, endless grief.  

I feel like I am expected to move on eventually. For my pain to lessen. But that's just not the case :( 

I lost so much more than just my daughter that day. I lost a piece of myself. 

Rock-A-Bye Baby...

So my favorite color before Serenity was purple. 

Finding out about baby girl number two I decided on the proverbial big sister pink and little sister purple color schemes. 

I literally threw a fit that I am now not proud of for this precious pack n play. 

It was so perfect, it literally took me 3 hours of cussing, screaming, and pouting before Matthew effortlessly helped me with what I had struggled with. 

I took it down only 3 weeks after learning you would never sleep in it. 

I couldn't handle seeing the bed without you in it. Having Anna belle walk up to it and tell me how much she missed you. And asked when you were coming home from heaven. 

It's now been 131 days without you. 

I still can't look at your stuff. I still choke up at your name, thought, memory, everything I am missing out on. 

It still feels like an insanely cruel joke. 

I knew life was unfair, oh trust me I knew it. Burying countless friend, after friend from car wrecks, suicide, overdose, accidents, motorcycle crashes, you name it. All good people. People I miss daily. People who didn't deserve to die. People I could off the top of my head easily name 5 replacements for the world would never miss. 

And then I lost you. 

I didn't know it was possible to have your whole world stop, your heart shatter, and you still keep on living. 

But here I am. Surviving. Some how. Some way. 131 days longer than I ever thought possible. 

Matthew said today he never thought we'd break up over your loss. Because it in fact pushed us closer than we had ever been. But for awhile I was dead. Motionless. Just coasting along through the motions. I'm improving. Or at least I hope I am. 

And I feel my bond with Serenity growing stronger and stronger. 

But I keep having this reoccurring nightmare. 

Matthew and I are visiting Serenity's grave. And we start to hear these distant baby cries. we realize they're coming from her grave so we start digging without second thought. The more we dig the closer the cries are but we never actually find her casket. We just keep digging and digging and the cries keep getting louder and louder. Almost deafing and she's still never there. 

It's pretty crippling. 

I lay there for a few minutes trying to compose. 

I never knew her cry. 

I knew Anna belles cry the first second I heard it and I can still identify it in a crowd. 

And I think about the bassinet I threw a for Serenity to sleep in. 

All the stuff I struggled to get for her. 

How eager I had suddenly became for her arrival and life with two divas. 

And how I am left with these two images as the last for my daughter: 

💔💔💔💔💜💜💜💜💜 

Missing you so deeply tonight my angel. 

I can't really remember where I was going with this. So I'll just stop now. I love you more than these words and all words. 

There is nobody more youer than you...

But who am I exactly? 

I am Jessica. 

Jessica wall? Not as of 2003. 

Legally Jessica Linville. 

But who is that? 

I am 23. 

I am a mother to Anna belle. 

I am an angel mom to Serenity. 

I am in love with Matthew. 

My favorite color is purple. 

I work at subway. 

I am trying to get back into school. 

I have a future planned in my head. 

It involves a house. Me driving. A career. My dream wedding. Serenity's 5k. 

But what else am I? 

That's all I feel. 

And most days it's a struggle to be that much. 

I'm empty. Scared. Confused. Angry. Sad. 

I try so hard to be the old Jess before march 11. 

The Jess that dressed up and did her hair for no reason. 

The Jess that worked out every day. Some times several times in one day. 

The Jess that laughed. 

The Jess that could face whatever life through her way. 

But now I'm the Jess that's afraid of everything. 

Including my closet. We put all of Serenity's things in there. So I avoid it like the plague. 

I cried so hard seeing her car seat today. Imaging how she would have looked in it. How big shed be now. If she would be chewing on her elephants. 

It's so unfair. I try to rationalize it. And I end up just as empty as my arms. 

The only answer I have for myself is I, Jessica Danielle Wall-Linville soon to be Irby. Died march 11,2014 at 2pm and was reborn March 11,2014 at 4:02pm. 

And I am a new person trying to figure this new world out. 

I'm just jealous of the angels <3

I have so many thoughts running through my head at the moment. So bear with me. We're nearing 4 months since the best and worst day in all of existence. 

I've been thinking so much of the last day I laid eyes on my Serenity. Matthew and I wrote her letters, as well as our parents, siblings and close loved ones, and placed them under her pillow in her casket. I have this image of her in my head with this stack full of letters climbing up to a bigger angels lap and having her read them to her. No one else read each other's letters. I often wonder what everyone said to her. Their hopes, and dreams for her, their love, how much they'd miss her, how unfair this cruel world is, just something else I guess I torment myself wondering. 

I also have to sit and watch everyone have these beautiful babies, empty handed. I've never heard so many girls complain about their stretch marks before. And I'm over here longing for them. Wishing I had something visible to show the world that my body has not only held the 5lb 5oz beauty that is my Anna Belle Grace but also the 6lb 3oz angel that is my Serenity Layla Hope. I find myself missing that big ole uncomfortable belly. 

♥ ”There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all its dreadfulness, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme. If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms.” -Charlotte Bronte

Missing you more than ever my sweet angel :( 

Every great dream begins with a dreamer..

You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one. Okay cheap shot at a quote lol. 

But fa real. 

Since losing Serenity I've had this incessant need to memorialize her. To keep her memory alive in everyone aside from my family. 

I found out today that people that I'm not friends with on Facebook, Instagram, or twitter read this very blog. Humbling and grateful. 

My vision, or dream, for Serenity's birthday march 11, 2015 I want to host a 5k. I originally wanted to raise money for still birth awareness. However after joining an amazing support group, SOBBS, I learned of these: 

Cuddle Cotts

The idea opposite if a billy blanket. To keep the deceased child cold so the family can spend precious moments often lost to chill them so they don't change. If you've never lost a loved one in this sense you will never truly know the value of "cooler minutes". Giving a family all the time to take photos, make memories, is something beyond me and Serenity. I can't even explain into words what it would mean. I hope to make this dream a reality and I hope each and every one of you can help me! I'll definitely keep everyone posted in this new journey. 

Also those following who don't see my Facebook, the govenor himself emailed me back in regards to her a birth certificate. We will be getting a state id number as well as a birth and death certificate. I am moved beyond words to have these things. You never know what something so simple means when suddenly it's denied to you. 

Love you my angel. 

Life's like an hourglass glued to the table.

Two babies on birth control pills aren't good odds. 

A horrible experience with an iud. 

And the doctor urging against an implant. 

The Nuvaring weirds me out. 

And the stats on patches left me facing the depo shot as my only birth control option. 

Because I was going to have my tubes tied after Serenity was born, since she passed they wouldn't do it. 

Matthew and I have since discussed having more children in the future. 

Well the depo is doing a huge number on my body, not even weight wise, I've lost almost 25lbs on it, but emtional and physical health, it's horrible. So Matthew and I are considering no longer taking it. 

And the same day. As if a cruel joke from life, I receive this email: 

😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

I'm not ready for another baby. Because I still want MY Serenity back. It's thrown me into this place I don't like being thinking about it. Why on earth would god allow us to have another child and not Serenity? And I read so many stories of infertility and child loss what if we lose another one? I could not even begin to handle that. Oh god why? 

Can I not just get through her first year of should have been milestones and my wedding before thinking of another child? The idea of conceiving in the next two months and that child being born on or around her birthday is too much to bear. 

I feel tested from every angle possible. 

It's not fair. 

I know life isn't fair. Blah blah blah. 

But I can not for the life of me understand all that is happening :( 

And I felt like I breathed an atmosphere of sorrow.

I've been thinking in depth about my entire pregnancy. 

The differences in Anna belle and Serenity. 

The similarities. 

With Anna belle I had 4 baby showers, as well as tons of hand-me-downs. So much crap I didn't know where to put it all or what to do with it. 

With Serenity, I had one baby shower, that a whopping 8 people showed up too. And no hand-me-downs at all. 

Almost as if the universe knew we wouldn't be bringing her home. 

With Anna belle I was in pregnancy bliss, glowing, and aside from the morning sickness my entire pregnancy, I always felt great. 

However, with Serenity I always felt like utter crap. Sick, aching, scared, and this unnerving feeling that something just wasn't right. 

But then with both girls, I had this peace. As scared, and unprepared as I felt I was so excited for life with baby girls. My mini mes. Pink and purple. Hair bows and ribbons. Dressing then alike. All the fun stuff we'd all be able to do. And how I actually pitied Matthew for being the only male in the household and how I promised him he could get a boy dog of his choice to even the testosterone field a little. 

And how wrong I was about all that. I wish so badly to turn the hands of time back. To go to the hospital and demand something be done because I shouldn't have been that uncomfortable, she was too big for my body. I had been told I wouldn't be able to carry a baby over 5lbs. And she was 6lbs 3oz! 

So much I wish I could change that's all out of my control. 

:( 

I just hope serenity knew how much she was loved. Even if we were nervous and scared. I hope her last minutes she wasn't scared and upset. What kind of mother doesn't know when her baby is in peril? :( I just want to hold her. Tickle those feet. Hear those cries, and giggles. See those big bright eyes, know their color. 

Baby un-fever?

It's almost been a year since Serenity was conceived, and this whole journey began. I've been a little beside myself with emotions lately. 

I have baby fever again, but not really. I just have my baby fever. I just want my Serenity back. I want to feel whole again. 

I just really can't gather my thoughts without tears flowing to the point I can't see to type and have to pause and lose my train of thought. 

I think the worst part of this whole thing is the unknown. The should have beens. Would have beens. All the questions I yearn to have answers for. 

The look on people's faces when you know they want to say something but not the wrong thing. When they don't know what to say at all. The pity that washes over them. 

Blah. 

I hope my hormones level themselves out here soon. 

Life at conception?

What determines life?

According to abortion ralliest, life forms at conception.

Some believe when the babies heart forms and starts beating.

And good ole Webster's defines it as the such:

1) The condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.

Living things and their activity.

                A particular type or aspect of people's existence.

              Vitality, vigor, or energy.

2) The existence of an individual human being or animal.

 A biography.

Either of the two states of a person's existence separated by death

Any of a number of successive existences in which a soul is held to be reincarnated

A chance to live after narrowly escaping death

3) The period between the birth and death of a living thing, especially a human being.

The period during which something inanimate or abstract continues to exist, function, or be valid.

 A sentence of imprisonment for life.

4) (In art) the depiction of a subject from a real model, rather than from an artist's imagination.

 

My definition of life? 

Those two plus signs. From the very second those popped up, I knew I was now a vessel harboring life inside. Matthew knew it. The doctors knew it. Anyone who saw knew it. 

March 11, also known as the best and worst day in all of existenence, I learned the heartbeat I had fallen in love with, the heartbeat I was so ready for, had stopped beating. I saw with my own two eyes her heart chamber on the screen no longer beating. The flat line. An image forever ingrained in my memory, no amount of drugs, therapy, or time could ever erase. Did this make my baby no longer a life? 

Well march 13, I got this answer without asking. "Regretfully, you won't get a death certificate since she never actually took a breath of life to receive a birth certificate" 

What?! Can you repeat that? Because this life I grew never breathed the air you and I did she's no longer a person? Are you kidding? Tell me this is a cruel joke? Part of this nightmare I can't seem to wake up from.... 

Not a joke. 

Real life. 

Unless of course I'm in some coma and my brain is living out the worst case scenario. But I doubt that. 

And I'm left here, wondering all these questions, to which I emailed our fantastic state of Tennessee about. 

If abortion is illegal in this state because a baby is a life at conception, why aren't they considered a life after the heart stops? 

Granted I feel this isn't something that should be a huge ordeal, but given my daughters entire life was denied to us. As well as professional hospital photos. An obituary. Having a legal paper trail of her existence for her future ancestors, is that so much to ask? That the world knew she was at one time a living, growing, thriving human being? 

How this is considered life... 

And this 

And even this... 

But not this? 

Oh God, I am begging you to grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Humility.

A lesson I've learned the past 99 days. 

Humilty. 

I've been knocked to my knees, broken, and left to deal. 

Constantly wondering, questioning, seeking. 

And it's children who get it without even getting it. 

When Serenity first passed away, I dreaded to tell her. But I knew I had to. I couldn't rob her even more. 

And she understood instantly. Her sissy is an angel in heaven. And that was that 

Today at Izzy's funeral her big brother wanted to know why he couldn't go see his sister and I told him, well she's an angel in heaven. And he said no she's over there in the box. Where I got this next line I'll never know, maybe god himself gave me the words. But I said well she's not really in the box, that's just an elevator to heaven. But if he ever wanted to talk to her or just missed her to put his hand on his heart and he could talk out loud or in his head and every time his heartbeat that was her talking back. And it's amazing how something so simple appeased him. 

And then afterwards in the car on the way home, a little girl named bri told me. I'm really sorry your baby died like Izzy. And I said well me too but now they're best friends and get to play together all the time. And I bet they even have pink and purple wings. She seemed excited about that and then said I hope my aunt Leslie's baby doesn't die I really want my baby cousin. And I told her that she didn't have to worry because izzy and Serenity wouldn't let that happen. And I told her how she could talk to them in heaven the same way I explained to Anna belle and Landon. And she got extra excited. She asked if she could talk to her grandpa too and I assured her if she knew anyone in heaven she could talk to them that way. And she just sat there the rest of the car ride holding her heart smiling. 

Why can't I find peace like these innocent children? 

I can't find comfort in my own words. 

I am humbled beyond belief to see these children understand such unbearable heartache. I hurt that they know such evils at such a young age, but find comfort in the tinest of hopes. 

I pray I learn this myself. 

I hope you rest in sweet peace Izzy Mae, I know my Serenity will take good care of you. And I do find joy in that thought. 

Give me reason

I used to have this sincere enthusiasm and zealous for pregnant woman. 

And then like a part of me with Serenity, that too died. 

Now I feel nervous, and this growing anticipation and agony for them. Like I want their 40 weeks to fly by and see them holding their babies happy and healthy, as life should be. 

My flawed and narrow minded thinking, always lead me to believe babies only died if they had something wrong with them or the woman was neglectful and did drugs or drank. 

How wrong I was. Serenity didn't have a single thing wrong, head to toe, internally, externally, she was true perfection. 

And yet, she died, before she ever got to actually live. And no reason except, a cord issue. 

And I hate feeling like this. Will I always be a lunatic? Will I always flip flop between angry, sad, depressed, happy, manageing??? 

God I am on my knees begging for some guidance or clarity?! 

I didn't know it was physically possible to feel this broken and live, or love someone you never actually met. :( 

I miss you more as the days drag on. 

I love you more than words or life. 

June 15, 2014.....

Today is Matthew's first Father's Day. 

A day I dreaded for him. 

A day he dreaded. 

Feeling immense pressure on my shoulders to make this day as painless as possible I just prayed. To god. Serenity. Any angel that would listen. Give me the strength to get him through this day please. I won't ask for anything else. 

I woke up super early, and just started writing for 10 straight minutes as if a voice was whispering into my ear what to say. Stuck in autopilot. Writing someone else's words. From start to finish. No stopping. And when I finally finished I read over it and I knew it was Serenity's words for her daddy. With his permission I'm going to share it, and please don't steal it, or rip it off: 

"Happy Father’s Day, daddy

I know it’s hard to be happy on this day, but please try for me.

I know you think “how can I be a daddy without a baby?”

But don’t you see daddy, you created me.

I know you think you let me down daddy, 

But I wish you could see all the beauty I see.

I want you to know I’m doing just fine

I get to run and play.

I do miss you a lot daddy, and mommy and sissy too.

I know we never really got to meet, 

so, don’t cry when you think of me daddy.

Remember the time I kicked you in the face?

I was so excited to hear you talking to me.

I love you so much daddy.

I’ll ask Jesus to reach down and let me show you.

Every ray of sun that warms your skin, think of my hugs.

Every butterfly that crosses your path, think of my sweet kisses.

Every drop of rain, think of my love pouring down on you.

Every gust of wind, think of me sitting on your shoulder, and running around you.

So see daddy, I’m with you everywhere.

Though mostly in your heart,

And I just want you to be happy,

Even though we are apart.

I love you daddy.

With all my love,

Your sweet Serenity Layla Hope" 

So to celebrate this day for him we went and picked out some new stuff for her grave, and cleaned it up a good bit and just sat there and cried. Missing her. Trying to make sense of it still. And it was like I could feel this huge burden lift off his shoulders. 

I can say after a few trips to the store, for some beer and homemade loaded nachos. I have one spoiled, happy ish papa bear. 

Thank you to everyone who has kept us in their thoughts and prayers continually. 

Moments of Serenity..

Three months old today. 

Three days I got with her. 

Third month of the year. 

I'm still yearning for some meaning to this madness. Some big life lesson. Some fulfilled purpose. Why me. Why her. Why our family. so many questions with little to no answers. 

I paint a face on every day to keep people satisfied and at bay. When in the inside i am fighting all these demons. 

I get so angry, jealous, upset, happy, confused, all these emotions at the slightest sight of a baby, a car seat, the color purple, seeing a family with two girls, pregnant bellies.. All these reminders of what I am missing. 

Today Serenity's 3 months old, and I'm hoping to find comfort in her passing that people will appreciate their own babies more. And low and behold I receive this: 

I cried, prayed, and felt the pang of jealously looking through his sweet pictures, is that how big my girl would be? Smiling? Holding her head up? Laughing? God what I would give to know all these things people overlook and take for granted. Who knows. Maybe I would have too. Lord knows I was terrified to have two children, especially girls. I do however know, if and when the good lord blesses us with another child, hand picked by Serenity herself, I'll appreciate every nanosecond with that child. Including all the miserable days of pregnancy. 

Mommy is missing you something fierce baby girl. Sissy misses you too. As well as daddy! 

Beyond the grave.

It's been extremely hard for me to formulate this post. 

Recently, Anna belle made the comment someone told her that her sister is dead. 

And that she's no longer her sister anymore because she's dead. 

I hate that word more than I hate *shivers* stillbirth. (Can't believe I typed it). 

Anna belle doesn't understand such a concept. In her innocent mind, her sister is an angel in heaven. Regardless of what that actually means Anna belle still constantly talks about her sister and how much she loves and misses her. 

And in her mind that's all the explanation she needs. As she grows older, she'll understand this painful concept more on depth, but for someone to explain to her the finality, emptiness, and emotionless reality of death as her no longer having a sister in that sense in completely appalling. 

Surely, when you lose your mother or father, you are in fact still a son or daughter. Likewise with any other family member. Just because Anna belle never got to be the textbook definition of a sister, she still is. She kissed my belly, sang to it, talked to it, hugged it, loved it, anticipated her arrival. I truly believe there was no living soul more excited for Serenity's life than her sister. 

And it pains me beyond words that she  ever got to experience her in the way you and I experience siblings. As much as my sister and I butt heads. I couldn't imagine life without her. Even not talking, not seeing each other, the fact that we are siblings will never change. Even after death and beyond. 

My only wish as a mother was to protect both my daughters from the evils of this world. And while one is living the life in the clouds, the other is experiencing the worst possible evil there is, being robbed of sisterhood. 

I can never thank everyone enough for their continual prayers for us. It helps more than you or I may realize. And I hope I never let either one of my girls down as their mother. 

I promise to always give Anna belle the life she deserves as we'll as Serenity's memory the life it deserves.